


A Waiting Feeling

by MyBadGoodGirls



Category: Almost Adults (2016)
Genre: Almost Adults, Best Friends, F/F, Falling In Love, LGBTQ Female Character, LGBTQ Themes, Mackessie
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-02
Updated: 2018-12-14
Packaged: 2019-01-08 00:49:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 22,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12243900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyBadGoodGirls/pseuds/MyBadGoodGirls
Summary: A few years after Cassie left to live in New York in search of her dream job, and has achieved everything she wanted for her life, something seems wrong. She refuses the second proposal of marriage and seems again uncertain of her life except for one thing.  Meanwhile, Mackenzie also came out of a relationship that apparently seemed to be right but ended in a horrendous betrayal. However, this breakup brought to Mackenzie something she had not noticed before, if she realized she denied it until she was forgotten.In this hurricane of feelings, Cassie and Mackenzie meet again and reveal their new feelings that arose in the years had passed. At this moment that the two of them are surprised by a new life and Mackenzie finds herself in a plot of love and lost feelings realizing that the path to her happiness has always been closer than she has ever imagined.





	1. The Call That I Cannot Answer

**Author's Note:**

> 1- My first language isn't English, so I apologize if you find any grammatical error or anything like that.  
> 2- I loved the movie and I wouldn't change anything on the plot, but the desire to see these two characters together was so strong that I thought I'd write that story.  
>    
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to thank my friend Diane, who helped me with some doubts about the chapter one.  
> That's it, I hope you enjoy it.

 

It's after 2 in the morning when Mackenzie wakes up to the shrill sound of her cell phone, at first she wonders what jerk would call her at this hour, but over time the ringing becomes familiar. _"It's Cassie”,_ she thinks. Who else would call her at such a time? Not her parents, Levi, or anyone else she knows, just Cassie has that privilege. Slowly, and uncertain of why she gives Cassie such power she picks up the phone.

“I hope you have a good excuse for calling me at this hour”, she says as she removes a girl's arm from her hips and leaves the bedroom.

“I can’t sleep. Is that good enough for you?”

“Cassie...” Mackenzie grunts. “It’s already four consecutive nights, you need to synchronize your dependency with my sleep so we'll both be happy. I give you the attention you need and I sleep as a bonus.”

Mackenzie heard a slight sigh, and after a long time in silence, Cassie finally speaks.

“You know how I get big changes, especially when they're unexpected, and besides I'm lonely, how you want me to feel?”

“We’ve talked about this. Levi said he would spend some time with you, but you didn’t want to, plus most changes are good. Last time you went through a drastic change, you ended up with your dream job in New York.”

What else could Mackenzie say right now, all she wants is to hug her best friend and say that everything will be all right, but she doesn’t know how to do that at the moment. The truth is that changes happen to everyone, and that includes her, especially after what has happened in recent months, to look at Cassie at this point is to face a truth. She can't handle this and it could ruin one of the things she considers most sacred in this world, their friendship.

Listening to her cell phone for the last three nights has broken her heart, and knowing that this is a small way of her best friend, to ask for her presence would be even worse. If she weren't experiencing her own crisis now, she would drop everything and run to her without thinking, but it is impossible, or improbable. Looking at her bed and seeing a naked girl that she didn’t even bother asking the name of before taking her to bed is proof that she is not ready for it, she can't even recall how they got there. She just remembers that there were a few beers, whiskey, maybe vodka or tequila, _“yes definitely tequila”_ , and suddenly they were in a taxi running to her bed.

The sex wasn’t even that good, all she wanted was to look at someone when Cassie called this morning and tell herself that this is the place she belongs, but for some reason, that doesn’t sound very convincing right now.

“Yes! Maybe you're right.”

She hears Cassie speak, as if she doesn’t want to say anything, her voice distant, muffled, stuck in her throat like a painful knot.

“Cassie ...” she whimpers.

“No.” Cassie's voice sounds teary. “It’s okay, you're right. The changes are good for me. Why they wouldn’t that be?! I mean, this isn’t the first time I've said no to a marriage proposal, isn’t it?!”

“Cassi-“

“It’s okay, Mack. I feel sleepy now.”

There is silence for a moment and then -

“ Tell Samantha I sent a hug.”

“Cassie wait-…”

Mackenzie looks at her cell phone and sees the name "closed call", her heart is beating fast, as fast as the last few days of college. As fast as the day she said goodbye to Cassie, the only difference is that now all she would like to say is "hello."

She stares at the phone for a while.

“Sam and I are not together anymore.”

She whispers to her cellphone as she watches the clock tick 2:30 in the morning. It was another night, or morning. Mackenzie couldn’t get back to bed, although there was someone lying there, the bed was too cold, or maybe it was her heart. She went into the living room, turned on the TV and waited for the sun to rise, then she would wake up whoever was in her bed, say good morning, maybe make her coffee and finally say goodbye, never knowing the name of whoever this girl is, she just doesn’t care enough to ask.

***

It's almost 4 o'clock in the afternoon, Mackenzie fixes her gaze on the clock stuck to the wall next to the bench where she sits waiting for Levi. _"It seems like certain things don’t change when they should, and the ones that should stay the same way"_ , she thinks as she checks the clock once more restless with the wait.

This whole thing reminds her of the reason she's there, standing at a coffee shop while she might be working or doing something more productive instead waiting for Levi to just hear him telling her to go to New York already.

She's bewildered that she's not at Cassie's side when that's all she wants, and Levi? He should be their support in an hour like this, but all he can do is disappear without a trace, she has been waiting for him more than an hour.

What makes her more frustrated is that she depends on Levi, and Cassie depends on her, so they don’t go do much without him appearing and doing whatever he does by talking both of them out of this situation. _"Why she is giving so much credit to him",_ she wonders, even though she knows the answer is obvious. Levi knows more about them than anyone else, and when it comes to speaking what they both don’t want to hear, he does so with pleasure. It seems like a gift, but a gift that now is not worth the long wait, and even more, waiting a little longer, so she’ll finish the coffee she is drinking and see if he shows up there. It is not much effort to do so.

Ten more minutes go by until she gives up completely, it's better to go home, there's nothing else to do, after all she can always turn off the phone before she goes to bed. That would keep Cassie away for tonight, just for one more night. She gets up, picks up her bag, gives a tip to the girl who served her, and heads toward the exit, but before she reaches the exit, she notices a familiar silhouette, a friendly face in the crowd. It's Jesse, her first girlfriend, well, not exactly the first, the first was Eliot, but a few weeks' relationship doesn’t count as serious, does it? Anyway, it's been a long time since then, and what's important at the moment is seeing a familiar face this afternoon.

“Hi stranger.” Mackenzie says she tries to give her voice an ironic tone, but fails surprisingly.

“Hey!” Jesse says as she turns to her with a big grin on her face. “What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be somewhere else?”

“Yes, I should, but due to certain circumstances I decided that it would be better to meet Levi ...”

Jesse leans over and looks around looking for Levi, an ironic gesture, Mackenzie would never be able to shock him, but no one should never doubt what Levi is capable of doing, though going unnoticed isn’t like him.

“... and he did not come.” A pale smile appears on Mackenzie's lips, continuing to see that Jesse doesn’t seem pleased to not see him.

Jesse pushes Mackenzie's shoulder lightly.

“What is wrong?”

“You didn’t know?” Mackenzie asks, narrowed her eyes to her friend. However, before there was a response an awkward smile came to Jesse's lips.

“Of course you know.” She continues before the answer comes.

“I’m sorry Mack.” Jesse caress Mackenzie's right shoulder with the same hand that pushed her first. “Want to have a coffee and talk?” She gestures as she hands Mackenzie her coffee cup. Mackenzie hesitates a little before to accepting the proposal, but decides that Jesse may be the best answer to her questions. She waits quietly for a few minutes while for Jesse to get her some coffee, in a short time they are sitting on the same bench she was on less than ten minutes ago.

They stay there, Mackenzie stares at the window and Jesse stares into her face with a small smile.

“Why did we break up?" Mackenzie spits out quickly.

"Mack ..." Jesse hesitates.

"We're friends, aren’t we?" She frowns, not sure, if this is an argument that will Jesse answer her question.

Jesse pressed her lips together, noticeably annoyed with the question being asked.

"Mack ..." she starts, "you were a wonderful girlfriend ..." she pauses a bit, seeming to measure her words carefully before she lets them out through her mouth "you were affectionate, kind and always gave me the support that I needed." Mackenzie takes a deep breath, she doesn’t want to be rude, but this is a formality she doesn’t have to worry about.

"I know I was a wonderful girlfriend," she spits. "That's not what I asked you, I mean, if I was fucking a wonderful girlfriend ..." she looked into Jesse's eyes, "Then why didn’t we work?"

Maybe she's not being fair to Jesse, but if that's the case, fuck her. They're friends aren’t they? Besides it's been 3 years since they broke up and built a good and strong friendship in the meantime. Why not answer that question? Maybe she's being over the top, maybe not. What Mackenzie wants to hear is only one thing, the truth.

"I think you already know the answer to this question, don’t you?" Jesse says after a spate of internal conflict. "And I think you know very well what my answer is."

Mackenzie rolls her eyes stupefied with all that isn’t said to her. Who cares if she already knows, she definitely doesn’t. What she wants is someone to say what she wants hear, _"Fuck Levi! Where are you?"_

"Mack, I can never say you were a bad girlfriend, because that would be a big lie." She smiles "And I owe you some good nights," she winks. Then Mackenzie feels her hand on hers. "But that doesn’t change the fact that you could never give me your heart because you can’t give something that is not yours."

A tear rolled down Mackenzie's face, she never realized that she had hurt someone who was so important to her.

"I'm sorry if I hurt you," she says as she feels the tear rolling down her face to her collarbone.

"Hey!" Jesse says shaking her hand, "You did not hurt me. You just didn’t know that I wasn’t your girl." Jesse raises her hand and caresses Mackenzie's face, drying away the tear that begins to roll down her cheek. “Nobody rules in your own heart Mack, and I know if you could, you would have loved me, or loved Samantha, but that's not something you can do."

Mackenzie and lets go by Jesse's gesture, "You're wrong," she says in a tearful voice. "I loved you."

"I know." Jesse smiles, removing her hand from Mackenzie's face, the two of them don’t speak for a while. "Look, if this was a fairy tale, you would be the Knight in Shining Armor who saves the Damsel in distress, but I never was your damsel, and it didn’t matter how many monsters you saved me from, there was always someone you’d run to save without thinking, even if she wasn’t in any danger." She sighs, "What I mean is, as much as you were willing to save me, it was someone else you cared for."

"You know ..." Mackenzie says, "Sam told me the same thing about not being able to love her as she loved me."

Jesse smiles and arches an eyebrow.

"I think you should answer the question you asked me, or stop denying what you feel."

Mackenzie looks around lost in her thoughts, ashamed by the tears she couldn’t hold back, but somehow relieved to have had such a sincere conversation with someone who meant so much to her. Maybe she knew the answer that everyone refused to say, maybe this was the moment when she would have to face her feelings. Maybe later, not now.

She lets a smile escape, and sees Jesse's eyes shine as she realizes she's all right. They smile at each other.

"So how's Amy," she asks.

"She asked me to move with her."

"And what are you waiting for?"

Jesse hesitates a little.

"I was wondering if this was the right thing to do."

Mackenzie frowns.

"But after our conversation." Jesse smiles. "I figure moving with her is all I want in the world."

The two continued to talk for a few more hours, during which time Amy calls and ends up joining them, and the three spend a few more hours remembering embarrassing and ridiculous stories. Jesse and Amy invite Mackenzie to dinner and she leaves them before midnight.

***

Upon arriving home, Mackenzie is scared when she sees all the lights on, there are delivery boxes on the couch and a leftover bite of pizza in one of the open boxes. "Levi", she smiles, not caring about the mess in her living room.

She goes to her room and finds him asleep in her bed, she approaches and lies next to her wondering how long he has been there,  the mess he  made seems like it's been a few hours, maybe he ignored the direction to meet at "our coffee shop "and went straight to her house, and he has the key. _"Yeah this is what happened."_

"Levi," she calls him, and he murmurs as an answer.

"Levi" she hisses

"What?" He turns, "I'm having my beauty sleep, come back later."

"Levi you're in my fucking bed," she calls him shaking his shoulders.

"Damn it!" He murmurs his eyes open and looking at her, "It's about time." He pushes her off the bed.

"Hey ..." she says trying to catch herself before she falls. "It's not my fault if you can’t read. You did not see our 'coffee shop' because that's where I said I'd meet you, and it doesn’t matter now ..."

Levi snorts as he reaches out to help her up.

"Why doesn’t it matter now?" He asks, watching her sit down and be comfortable in her own bed.

"I met Jesse"

"Um ..." he rolls his eyes at the answer. "It's good to know that I'm replaceable."

"You'll never be replaced," she says as she struggles not to laugh at the unnecessary jealousy, "It's just that Jesse told me things that only she could understand and make me realize what's going on."

"What's going on Mackenzie?"

The seriousness with which Levi asks the question did not seem so intimidating, but it was. There is no moment more frightening than the moment when one faces the truth itself.

Mackenzie swallows, drymouthed.

"Levi I... ahhhhh" she hesitates...

"Levi I..." She pauses trying to find the courage to say it out loud. "I..." She takes a deep breath. "I love Cassie"

Levi remains silent as his face lights up with a huge smile. Which encourages her to continue.

"I've always loved her, and I think I'll always love her."

Before she can see it coming, Levi hugs her tightly.

That's it, nothing more needs to be said now, a weight has left Mackenzie's shoulders, and the world seems to make sense to her after so long. She loves her best friend, and it’s not like a sister or something, she really loves her and for the first time the phrase "I love" finally begins to make sense to her except for one thing, Cassie doesn’t love her in the same way, and she will always be "the best friend," but it doesn’t matter. Not really. To know that this love exists is only one-step to make it happen and find her happiness.


	2. Before Being By Your Side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1- My first language isn't English, so I apologize if you find any grammatical error or anything like that.
> 
> 2- Notes at the end of the chapter.

Mackenzie stays in the hallway next to the bar's bathroom that she and her co-workers chose to have dinner, a few feet from the table she can see that her colleagues don’t take their eyes off her. They seem to talk about the fact that she has left the table for more than 20 minutes to answer a call, mainly because everyone knows that she and Samantha, her former have ended their relationship and the reason is that Samantha said that she is in love for someone else, but is not quite that. There will be gossip the next morning, but it doesn’t matter, what she wants at the moment is just have fun, and despite the abrupt breakup with Samantha, they seem to be respecting the affection they once shared, at least at work.

Besides, it's been a while since she hasn’t celebrated a good acquisition made by the gallery where she works, of course, there were previous celebrations, but most were made only with Samantha. A dinner in an elegant restaurant, a tasting of wine, usually something that only involved them and nobody else. Sometimes she could take her girlfriend to some old friend’s place like Levi or even Jesse, but it was rare the times, what only explain the absence of Cassie, which has to be consequences of Samantha's jealousy. However, she could admit that Samantha was a very reserved person and in a way that made Mackenzie also become like that in time, but the truth is that she missed being with her friends, hanging out with them for a good bar and drinking, talking nonsense and laughing at herself and just enjoying the moment. Though, she is doing this now or will do again as soon she tells Cassie goodbye.

  
"Yeah Cassie, Levi told me you're thinking about coming back to Toronto," she glares at the table where her friends are, and she waves her hand, just another minute, she asks pointing with her index finger, "I just don’t think this is a good idea."

"Mackenzie, are you listening to me?!" Cassie asks clearly exasperated. "I don’t think there's anything else that can hold me here."

"I just think you're acting rashly."

"Macki-"

"Don’t do Mackie to me," she says before Cassie can convince her otherwise. "Look, I'm with some friends, we'll talk about this, okay?"  
"Ok?" she takes a deep breath "I have to go, I'll talk to you later, bye!"

"I love you."

"Yeah, bye."

She hangs up before she can overreact to "I love you". It's not that she's never heard those words from Cassie before, but these words now have a certain effect on her, and that effect goes beyond of the will that she feels to say, "I love you too." Then Mackenzie simply hangs up her phone and returns to the table that was before, acting as natural as she can possibly be, ready to confront the inquisitive looks that her friends are thrown at her.

"Our Mackenzie" one of the friends says with a wicked grin on her face.

"What?" She asks innocently as she sits down by her side.

"We almost lost you for a phone call," she says. "I wonder who is the mysterious lady that has taken you from us for almost half hour."

Mackenzie is sure that her red cheeks speak more than she would like, but what could she say, probably that it's not a big deal.

"What's that?" She points at the phone trying to be ironic, "It was just Cassie," she giggled nervously. "There’s nothing to be said or happening here."

"Of course, the famous Cassie." her friends say over Mackenzie's shoulders.

"That's it." she sighs in relief. "And I haven’t even spent so much time talking to her." She stops and slightly glares her friends, "Anyway.” she clearing her throat. “Why didn’t you invite Samantha to come with us?"

The same girl who looked over her shoulders looks at their others and back at Mackenzie.

"We didn’t think that would be a good idea," she murmurs.

"Guys ..." Mackenzie sighs looking at her friends bothered by the over support, "I appreciate the gesture, I really appreciate it, but ..." She stares her hands. “I don’t want things to change with Samantha. We are done, I know it's kinda weird to have her around us, but it was like this before we broke up ... So please don’t change for that. "

"Mackie we love yo-"

"And that's why I'm saying this stuff," she interrupts. "Samantha is our co-worker, and I don’t care how things ended up between her and me. You're going to treat her like before, right?"

"You want to know what Mackie?" The girl beside says putting her arms around her and slowly approaching.

"What's Jen?" She speaks with a raised eyebrow.

"I wanna to be your ex." With a small smirk on his lips.

"Hmmm ..." She narrows her eyes. "And become one more on my long list of 'she can’t love me?'"

Jen laughs "Oh, thank you for ‘the No’"

"You two stop," another friend of Mackenzie says.

***

They stayed in the bar for a long time, until Julia, the friend over her shoulder, convinces everyone that they needed to go some club, and Mackenzie gave in after all the reasons that Julia said, even contradicted with the idea of party again this week, mainly because still is Thursday, but her friends looked like they didn’t care, as they drank everything and shouted to everyone hear _"It's girls night"_. Yet, she watched her three friends walk out of the nightclub taking someone with them, not so sure if they would remember what they did the night before, also she saw the girl she hooked up with a few days ago, the girl tried approaching, but gave up as soon as she realized they wouldn’t be together again.  
Everything seemed to be moving in the right direction, despite the crash coming from the speakers, or even the slight drunken state, Mackenzie was pleased with the way she had been dealing with herself in the past few days, her feelings were clear, and apparently her needs too.

This was the first time in two months that she didn’t end at some girl's house, or some girl at her house, not that it was really bad, after all, casual sex is not bad, but when it's done for wrong reasons, it's not as pleasurable, it turns less pleasurable than it should be. Once it is over, there remains only the why she did it and insatiable feeling that only seemed to be over when she was in bed with another person, and then feel the same way once again.  
Moreover, in the midst of her delirium and drunkenness, Mackenzie realized that she was not so well with Samantha. She tried to be mature and respect things as they happened, she tried to blame herself for everything that was said during their breakup, but there were no excuses for everything. Her friends were right. To be noble, fair, or whatever, was not fair to herself, and she had to make that clear before that thought vanished from her mind and she let everything goes. Then, Mackenzie picked up her phone and calls the first person who came to her mind.

She waited a few seconds until someone answered the phone.

"You were right!" She said.

"Mack" the person seemed uncertain "Mackenzie is that you?"

"Of course it's me," she snorted. "Who do you think would call you at this hour at morning, Frida Kahlo?"

"Macken-"

"Shut the fuckup your mouth, Samantha!" She screams at the phone feeling the anger that she never left herself feel before, waiting a few minutes until only her breath could be heard by them.

"You were right," she continued, "I wasn’t capable to love you as you wanted to, but I loved you. I gave you my all, so we could get it right". She feels a tear trickle down her face. "I also know that I was a fucking perfect girlfriend, but you weren't, and I'm sorry for that".

"I know," Samantha says amid the mournful silence left by Mackenzie.

"I don’t hate you, Samantha," she says again. "Actually I have to thank you for telling me something that my friends wanted to say, but didn’t know how."

"Mack-" he whispers.

"Shhhh ... I didn’t finish talking yet." She mumbles

"I apologize."

"But that doesn’t excuse for what you did Samantha." She sniffs.

"I never meant to hurt."

"But you did," Mackenzie shouts, realizing she's starting to get out of her mind, getting blind for her frustrated feelings, therefore beginning to walk on a path that probably will make her regret in the future. She also realizes that Samantha is crying as well, maybe she has finally felt the weight of her actions, but that is not what Mackenzie wants, she just wants to be heard.

"See you with someone else was a shock to me, though it doesn’t look like. I swear to you that I spent the last few days blaming myself for what happened. I thought I wasn’t affectionate enough, or good enough, or not present enough, or didn’t give enough, but I did". She pauses taking a deep breath. "I couldn’t look at my bed for days, and seeing your things there didn’t help either. Our friends want to hate you, but I don’t think that's necessary, and in fact, I just called you to say you were right". She pauses once more. "I never loved you as much you loved me. Because you didn’t love me and the way you betrayed me is proof of that... "She takes a deep breath, "and yes, Cassie is the love of my life, and I don’t know if I'll ever live this love." She breaths while she realizes she's not crying anymore, instead, there's a big smile on her lips. "I just know that I'm going to try to be happy and hope you to be too".

From the silence, Samatha finally speaks "I can speak now?"

"Yes!" She snorts. "I've said too much"

"Sorry," Samantha says, more like a sorrow whisper. 

"I don’t know if I’ll be able to really apologize you, but it's okay. Just get your things out of my apartment, Levi has already organized them".

"When can I do this?"

"I'm going to take a trip soon. You can take them and leave the key, right? I'll text you".

"Good night Mackenzie."

"Goodbye Samantha"

Mackenzie hung up the phone, again relieved.

  
This time she had said something that seemed impossible to her, she simply allowed herself to feel the pain of being betrayed. This week has been a long one for her, and it's like she has rediscovered herself over these years as if she were leaving the closet for the second time, and this time was being as difficult as the first time. The difference is that she has the maturity as an ally this time, and this is definitely a good thing to have these days.

After the phone call she goes toward to exit of the nightclub, and waves to the first taxi she sees, quickly it parks next to her.

"Runnymede-Bloor West Village, please," she says as she enters.

***

  
About fifteen minutes later she feels her cell phone vibrate in her pocket, she takes it out and before answering the call she sees that it is almost four o'clock in the morning, and next to the time she can read the name Cassie and a photo that the two took two Christmas ago. She wears the Santa hat and holds a glass of wine in her left hand, her right hand is wrapped around Cassie's waist, which is seated on her right leg and holds one side of her face with both hands and kisses the other pressing Mackenzie against her lips. Paul, Cassie's ex-boyfriend is beside them, lying on the couch half-asleep, and Levi kisses his cheek.  
This was the last time they met in person, couple months later she and Samantha announced their relationship officially.

  
"I was wondering when you’d call me."

"You have to decide if you want me to call you or not." Cassie snorted.

"As if you didn’t already know the answer. I always want to hear your voice." She froze as soon as she realized she what said.

"Mackie, did you drink?" Cassie says apparently in disbelief of what she just heard.

"Just a little. I'm backing home now".

"Hmmm," Cassie scoffs. "Is Samantha so generous now? The last time I talked to her I almost felt she strangle me by the phone just because I suggested that you should come and spent a weekend with me".

"Don’t worry, she's okay." She breathes. "Actually I just talked to her."

"So, I'm coming back to Toronto." Cassie spat.

"No, no, no! Do not even dream about it”.

"Why?" Cassie whines.

"Because when you left me, you did it to find your place in the world."

"What if my place in the world is by your side?"  
Mackenzie's heart quickens. To be Cassie's place in the world, perhaps in another life. Not now, not being Mackenzie and Cassie best friends since childhood.

"I just wanted to be by your side now." Cassie continues, "Now would be a good time to have you in the next room, just so I sneak up on your bed and cuddle up with you."

"That's not fair!" Mackenzie murmurs.

"I just want you by my side Mackenzie, is that too much to ask?"

"Okay!" She sighs softly.

"Okay, what?" Cassie asks, she seemed confused.

"I'm going to New York."

The taxi stops in front of the building where she lives, and Mackenzie watches the lull in her neighborhood if it was making as much noise as her mind is, as restless as her heart.

"One more day, Cassie. One more day I'll be by your side." She hangs up the phone.

  
Mackenzie pays the driver, gets out of the car, and enters the building toward to her apartment. Just one more day and she would be close to the person that she wants to be far away than ever wanted to be far before, her heartbeats fast in response to that thought, but how to be away from Cassie, if all she asks is only be with her. How she could deny to herself the only thing that she truly wants. It's like an addiction, a drug that permeates her thoughts and no matter how much she tries not think about it, the world seems to guide her to that moment, and only towards that. How could she say no to this? How could she say no to the universe?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things seem to be moving in a different direction than Mackenzia had previously decided. The question is where that decision will take her, and how She will react to what is about to come.
> 
> I make a video about the fanfic, you can watch on my YT channel.  
> Cassie and Mackenzie || I'd Still Choose You
> 
> So what did you guys think about this chapter?


	3. Hoping For You to Tell Me Your Secrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1 - I'd like to apologize for the mistakes made in the previous chapter. I read it all over again and most of the them were fixed.  
> 2 - My first language is not English, so I apologize if you find any grammatical error or anything like that.  
> 3 - My plans to update this fanfic 2 times a month were destroyed by my academic life, unfortunately. However, I am happy that I will update at least every month.

One day has passed since Mackenzie told Cassie that she would finally take her requests and go to New York. The day before she took care of everything that needed to take care before the trip, spoke to her boss and asked for a few days off. She organized few things that Samantha supposed to take off her apartment and texted she about the future trip, then she could passing by taking whatever she had to, with Levi's supervision. She packed her bags, arranged the documents she found would be necessary, and mostly got herself prepared emotionally for the fact that in less than a day she would be next to her beloved best friend.

On the next day heading toward the airport, she can’t avoid seeing the smirk on Levi's lips, he more than no one seems happy with the situation. She can’t help but remember the expression of contentment that he made at the moment she told him that she would spend a few days with Cassie. It was as if a divine light illuminated him, and she could see how he twisted to avoid a wicked commentary in his mind, yet with all the repressed feelings and fears of how this journey might end, she went on in silence, repeating to herself that everything will end well.

"So, how long do you intend to stay there?" Ryan Levi's boyfriend asks, breaking the silence between them, sneaking out of the back seat and sits between the two front seats of the car.

 "I don’t know yet," Mackenzie, said looking at Ryan in the from the mirror in front of her, "I didn’t say how long I'd be off at work, so I guess it might take a few days."

They both looked at Levi, Mackenzie sideways and Ryan turning his head toward him, both expecting an ironic comment that didn’t come, instead, Levi’s lips curved into a small smile.

"I think you need some time for yourself," Ryan continued, "You've been through a lot of things these past few days."

Mackenzie just nodded without saying anything.

"Samantha, the cheating thing, accept your feelings, not to mention you have been working non-stop for so long."

"Yes, I know. New York will make me feel better.”

Again, the two of them wait a moment for Levi to make some comment, and again nothing.

"I'm sure that’ll do, and you're going to be with Cassie, in a way that always suits you."

"Okay," Mackenzie says in a tone of indignation, "You can stop now Levi, I've had enough!"

Levi shrugs a little confused. "But what the hell did I do?"

"Nothing ..." she murmurs. "And that's the big problem."

Levi just smiled taking his right hand to his chest dramatically.

"See," she says exasperatedly. "Since yesterday all you've done is look at me and smirk."

He snorts.

 "With that smirk of yours that says you know something, or that you're right about something."

He blinks at her.

"It's the old smile that says 'I already knew' or 'I told you so.'"

"Okay, I get it!" He chuckles, "What do you want me to say?"

"What are you thinking?" She hisses.

"Honey, you know very well what I'm thinking, but it's okay if you want to hear the words come out of my mouth, okay! Who I am to prevent you from hearing the voice of reason?"

Mackenzie just stares at him with a look of annoyed on her face.

"Spit it out!" She shouts.

"OK! If you want to listen so desperately..." Mackenzie rolls her eyes, "I think you should have done this a long time ago, you spent so much time denying what you feel about Cassie, and when you finally accept that feeling, you run away from it.”

Mackenzie narrows her eyes at him once more.

"Look, baby, what I want to say is that, change can be good to you. Especially if it ends up with you telling Cassie how you feel."

Mackenzie snorts in disbelief. "As if to tell her those three words could change something."

"You'll never know if you don’t say, besides, Cassie is single now and needing yo-"

"Great Levi! Now are you telling me to take advantage of the situation?" she interrupts him.

"That's not what I said," he paused, trying not to laugh at the look of disgust on Mackenzie's face. "What I'm trying to say is that you can have a big surprise. Maybe things would go better than you expect if you knew what had happene-" Levi stops talking immediately, his eyes wide and pressed to his lips, frightened at what he almost said.

"I don’t know what?" Mackenzie blinks half-dazed at Levi's reaction to his own words.

"Nothing." He said quickly.

"It didn’t seem like something..." She says and raising her index finger with a certain air of suspicion on her face.

"It's nothing," he responds again quickly, clearly frustrated with himself. "If you want to know? Ask Cassie, she can tell you that."

"Okay." She sighs clearly pleased at the now embarrassed way of Levi.

"Anyway baby, what I want to say is that it doesn’t cost you to tell Cassie what you feel. You said the other day that you want to ‘get over this impossible love’. If it's that, why don’t say it all at once? I bet everything will get easier as soon as you do."

"I don’t know," she murmurs in frustration, "I'm just tired of feeling like a fucking teenager these days."

"Maybe Levi is right, don’t you think?" Ryan says quietly.

"It's like we came back 7 years ago, and you're avoiding tell Cassie you're gay, and you know why?"

"No!" Mackenzie replied uneasily.

"Because somehow in your little heart knew what you felt for her, and telling her 'Cassie I'm gay' was like saying what you're avoiding saying now."

Mackenzie just rolls her eyes.

"Don’t act like I'm making it up. I always knew you were in love with Cassie, I just needed to be 100 percent sure."

"Right," she sighs. "I forgot that besides being a shrink, you're a fortune teller."

"Seriously?!" Mackenzie nods. "Do you remember the day when you and Cassie had the only real fight you've ever had in your life?" She nods once more. "Remember you ended up going to my house, and that night we were eating Burritos and I said you couldn’t go out with me because I'm gay and you're lesbian?"

  "AND..."

"That night I asked you why Cassie got the apartment in the divorce, and you remember what your answer was?"

"Hmm ... No!"

"Well darling, your answer was, 'I gave it to her, as I gave my heart.'"

Mackenzie couldn’t say anything, just shut up. She couldn’t think of any sarcastic remarks or anything that took away from the presumptuous smirk that grew out of Levi's face. It was difficult, but she had to accept that her best friend was right.

"For this reason, I’m saying it doesn’t hurt you to say how you feel to Cassie. I'm sure she won’t hate you. All you have to do is ...” He leans to the side looking at his boyfriend. "..Look into her eyes and say, ‘I love you.'” He smirks at her. “See, I'm not dead." He turns to his boyfriend and kisses him lightly.

Mackenzie quickly grabs the steering wheel trying to prevent an accident. "I'm not dead, but I might be if you don’t stop kissing Ryan and looking at the road."

"Jesus Mack! As if you didn’t do anything worse in the car.” He says as he resets his accent and returns to focus on driving.

"First" she raises her finger pointed frowning, "You fucked in cars more times than anyone I know. Second, I wasn’t driving. Then you should keep your mouth on the road and take me to the airport if you want me to tell Cassie something. "

The next few minutes they remain silent, Levi drives quietly, while Ryan and Mackenzie just watch the landscape outside.

Arriving at the airport, they enter and wait in silence, just hand in hand, until she is called for boarding, Levi asks her to give a hug in Cassie for him, and they hug each other tightly in the farewell. They leave you with a smile, an expression that says, “I see you soon”.

 

***

 

From the window, Mackenzie watches the plane take off, and she can’t help thinking that in less than two hours she will meet Cassie in the lobby of the New York airport, JFK to be more exact, she doesn’t know if it fills her with joy or if fills in despair with this uncertain future. Perhaps Levi was right, maybe telling Cassie what she feels is the best thing, maybe Cassie could see it as something good, well 24 years of friendship shouldn’t be thrown away so easily, or maybe it can be. Maybe it's better to wait for this feeling pass.

With these thoughts, Mackenzie leans back in her chair, ready to take a nap until the plane lands at New York City and she can finally meet Cassie, and who knows the answers to those questions that hunts her even in her dreams.

 

***

Still, sleepy Mackenzie feels someone pressing her right shoulder, the person presses it lightly, seems worried that it doesn’t hurt her, she also hears a distant murmur that gradually comes closer and becomes clearer.

"Mrs."

"Mrs."

She opens her eyes and sees the flight attendant trying to wake her.

"Yes?" She asks still dizzy.

"We have reached our final destination."

She awakens quickly upon receiving the news, while her heart races and she looks around realizing that most of the passengers have already disembarked from the plane, leaving her and about ten people, maybe less, is what she could see with the rush in who stood up.

"I must have overslept, I'm sorry," she says, embarrassed by the flight attendant.

"Okay, don’t worry." The girl smiles sweetly at her. "It wasn’t uncomfortable to wake you up Mrs."

"Ahh. Thank you ..." Mackenzie gestures wither hands, uncertain of how to call the girl who so carefully awakened her.

"Amanda ..." The girl responds, stepping out of the way so Mackenzie could get up and head out of the plane.

"Thank you, Amanda." She reaches out to her. "I'm Mackenzie."

They greeted each other and Mackenzie move out of the plane, meanwhile, she realized that the girl she had just introduced to didn’t take her eyes off her. This could be promising, if the chance of them meet again were nearly zero. Not that she couldn’t ask her phone number or something so they could have contact, but she decides it's not the best idea asking her anything, if they would meet again, it would be purely a matter of chance, and only then would she seize the moment. At this point, she needs to focus on Cassie who may be on the verge of an attack for not seeing her land yet, so she follows her inevitable faith.

She goes toward to the lobby and quickly sees Cassie, with a frustrated look for not having seen her yet, but as soon as she sees her presence, Cassie's face lights up with a huge smile, she raises a small sign that says “I have a Ken Beach Time on my bag." As soon as their eyes meet, they both smile, and Mackenzie seems to forget everything that bothers her earlier. As they approach, they hug each other. Cassie takes the first step throwing the board on the floor and practically throwing herself into Mackenzie’s arms, who automatically responds to the warm embrace.

"I missed you so much," Cassie says with her face still buried in Mackenzie’s neck. She seems to inhale her scent as her arms wrapped around Mackenzie squeeze her more and more, to the point of holding her breath.

"I see," Mackenzie says taking a little space to breathe properly. "But it’d be good for you to let me breathe, so you'd have more time by your side," she says wryly.

"Very funny," Cassie says as she puts her arms around her again, this timeless tight, and Mackenzie can’t help but hug her back, it seems so natural. This is such a good feeling, she can’t stop thinking that she would spend the rest of her life in Cassie’s arms, her best friend if that were possible. Which causes her heart to beat quickly, if she didn’t die choked by Cassie's first embrace, she might die of a heart attack.

"Look at you," Cassie says taking a step back as she caresses Mackenzie's face, you look different, more beautiful.

"I didn’t do anything different, same hair color, same eye color, same clothes ..."

"You don’t look different. It’s just-" Cassie said, looking her over from head to toe.

"I haven’t changed, but you," Mackenzie says to Cassie's short hair, just above her shoulders.

"I thought about changing it a bit, since my best friend was coming to town, I decide to change for her." Mackenzie felt his stomach flip a little.

Mackenzie looked at Cassie, repeatedly asking herself that her eyes didn’t show how dazzled she is now. "You got it." She runs her left hand through Cassie's hair, caressing her cheek, "I loved it."

By that time the Commissar Flight passed by them, and Mackenzie caught sight of her with a wink at her as she waved.

"Who is she?" Cassie asks a little dissatisfied with what happened.

"Ummm ... her?" She hesitated a bit embarrassed by the situation. "Amanda. She's Amanda," she finished quickly shortly after.

Cassie looked side-eyes at the girl and nod quietly "Hmm… Does she know that you have a girlfriend?"

"What?" Mackenzie's eyes widened a little frightened.

"Mackenzie is clearly hitting on you, don’t you see it?" She hissed.

Mackenzie smiled nervously.

"No, she's just being polite."

Cassie doesn’t seem to believe much, she narrows her eyes and presses her lips uncomfortable with what she eventually sees.

"I hope so." She wraps her arms around Mackenzie's shoulders. "Let's go home. I'm starving and we still have to make lunch."

"Why do we go to a nice dinner?"

"Because I haven’t seen you in a long time, and I want you just for me."

"Ok. I'm scared now. Aren’t you going to tie me up and kidnap me? "

"Someone is very jokey today."

"Let's eat in a nice good place, I'll pay." Mackenzie whimpers.

"Okay, but then we're going home after that."

The two of them ran a good place to eat something, Cassie ordered a hamburger with fries and Mackenzie preferred something that had no meat, the two spent a good time there, the plans to go home soon disappeared as the conversation began. It was two Christmases without really seeing each other and it seemed that the need to touch each other was mutual.

They were always holding hands or touching each other in some way, shoulders, arms or face. After some time there, Mackenzie eventually persuaded Cassie to go to the park. The two of them found a large, pompous tree and sat in her shadow, spending the rest of the noon with an unknown silence, which sometimes was replaced by a word. But most of the time it seemed satisfying to just be with her best friend, and finally going to Cassie's house just as the sun began to set.

 

***

 

The two went to Cassie's house in silence that somehow seemed uncomfortable, no matter how they had talked all afternoon, something seemed not to be said, and as strange as it sounds it wasn’t just Mackenzie who seemed to be about to say something and come back as soon as the thing began to be said. Things still had to be said for the two of them, it was clear, and this was the hard part for both of them, and Mackenzie's heart shot every time Cassie hugged her suddenly, which doesn’t help her much, and in a way ends up increasing the discomfort of the time.

It made her think again of the words Levi said, and if she told her all at once. If the words "I love you" were really what they both needed, but as always, she kept silent. Tasting the waters would be better, in the end, she was not there to declare her desperate love, but to be what she always was, the best friend.

Arriving at the apartment, she went to the guest room, of course, she had to listen to Cassie trying to convince her that it would be better if she settled in her room, after all, they both knew that Cassie would sneak into the room to hug her, this would save them time. However, it’s preferable that she stay in the guest room. That would give her more privacy, not that it was entirely true. Then Mackenzie simply undid her suitcase and decided to take a shower before the dinner they requested comes. Just before she finished the shower, she heard a light knock on the bathroom door, then Cassie's voice:

"Mack, dinner's here, I'm waiting for you in the living room."

"Okay, I just need to get dressed, give me a few more minutes."

"Ok, but in a hurry."

Without taking too long, she turns and walks to the living room, Cassie is sitting there, the dinner placed on the coffee table just in front of her, who seems to be entertained by the program she watches.

"I can’t believe you're still at the beginning of season three!" She called, more in awe that as censorship, "How can anyone take so long to watch Orphan Black?"

"I couldn’t go on ... Paul's death was very traumatic for me."

"You really liked him, didn’t you?"

"Of course, the actor is really hot!" She grins at Mackenzie, a more wry smile than honest, "But I confess that I prefer the relationship between Cosima and Delphine, it's less toxic."

"I also prefer Delphine."

Cassie narrowed her eyes uncertainly to think, before saying something she kept analyzing Mackenzie's expression that returned the same grin she gave before.

"She's not your type of girl."

"What do you mean?"

"She's blonde, you don’t like blondes."

Mackenzie tilts her head to the side, and her wry smile takes on a new shape, something closer to smug. "Eliot was blonde."

"Yeah, but I don’t think a week of dating counts."

Mackenzie walks behind the couch, as Cassie has her legs stretched out and resting on the table to prevent her from passing, having done so she sits next to Cassie who relaxes putting her head on her shoulders.

"And besides, I don’t think you guys suited that much, I mean ... Eliot was very pretty, but you two are blonde, she was much taller than you ..."

Mackenzie puts her left arm around Cassie's shoulders and rubs her hair slowly. "Cassie?"

"What?" She asks rather numbly.

"Do you know that Samantha is blonde and much taller than me?" She asked quietly.

Before answering anything, Cassie moves abruptly and returns to sit with a small space between them, she looks ashamed, speechless and avoids looking at Mackenzie, preventing her from noticing her blush cheeks. What you can’t do.

"Yeah!" She says trying to find a focus beyond Mackenzie's face to look at.

"Does that mean you don’t think she and I make a good couple?" Mackenzie says incredulously with what is going on.

"Me?" She pulls her feet from the table and stands quickly. "Don't be stupid." She glances quickly at Mackenzie as redder as a few seconds. "I forgot to bring something to drink. Do you want a beer or something?" Moreover, faster than she put space away from her before, Cassie gets up and leaves the room.

"Beer is good me," Mackenzie shouts.

Minutes later she returns is no longer blushed or so uncomfortable, returns as if nothing had happened. Mackenzie is dizzy by what just happened that was strange, all day somehow it was too strange. She just stands still watching Cassie as she comes back to sit beside her and hands her the bottle of beer. She blinks without much action just waiting for something to be said by Cassie but nothing is said, she just stands beside her with a box of Japanese food in her hand and the remote control of the TV on the other setting the schedule for something the two can watch together.

"Do you want to watch Orphan Black?"

Mackenzie just nods.

 

***

 

They had dinner and the subject matter was forgotten by the two of them, suddenly they were just the old friends, with nothing to hide, no measured words or even looks that questioners, and that was great. They watched three more episodes of the series they mentioned earlier, commenting and mocking unnecessary things, just for fun. At the beginning of the fourth episode, they were supposed to watch together Mackenzie held up her hands as a dramatic gesture in the name of the enormous fatigue she felt, and after a while, they decided it was bedtime.

It wasn’t difficult for Mackenzie to sleep, in fact as soon as she lay down she was embraced by sleep and immediately felt her body relax and then lose meaning, she slept soundly. However, later she found herself awakened by a strange movement in her bed, first, she thought what would make so much movement in there, but slowly she remembered that she was not at home, but in New York with Cassie. Cassie. Like a flash everything cleared in her mind, it was Cassie. Old habits do not seem to change, not between them.

She turned slowly to face the best friend in the eye.

"What are you doing here?" She asked, somewhat muttering.

"I was thinking."

"Hmmm, it's good to think but not at..." What time was it? She wondered before continuing the sentence. It didn’t look like she really had any clue of time, so she leaned over to Cassie to reach for her cell phone that was bedside on the nightstand.

"Cassie, it's four in the morning," she whimpered.

"I was thinking." Her best friend whimpered, pouting, and she found herself completely helpless.

"Fine! What were you thinking? "

She came back to lay on her back while Cassie laid her head on Mackenzie's shoulder.

"I don’t like Kira."

"Hmm?" She didn’t believe what she had just heard.

"No!" Cassie said looking as confused as she was. "I don’t like her, I hate that girl."

"Really Cassie?!"

 "I've been watching the show ...," she continued ignoring her friend's indignation. "And I see how much Sarah devotes herself to her daughter, I just hate that girl. I realized I've never been good to kids. "

"And?" Mackenzie had completely given up, she knew that if she didn’t give Cassie the attention she was asking now, that would haunt her for nights.

"You've always been better with children than I am. That means if someday, if you and Samantha decide to have a child she'll probably be lucky and my child will spend the rest of her life secretly wanting to be your daughter, not mine." She sighs.

"I Don-"

"Like when we were kids and I asked why our mothers were so different, and your mother replied that they went to different colleges."

"Cassi-"

"I'll be a shity mother, just like mine was."

Mackenzie finds herself disoriented, she doesn’t know if she laughs at what she hears or comforts her friend by the absurd thought. It’s better to comfort her, so she bites her cheeks by holding back the laughter and takes a deep breath before saying anything.

"You're exaggerating." She says. "It's perfectly understandable that you don’t like Kira, there are a lot of people who don’t like her either, and that doesn’t make them bad parents. It's like that kid, Henry from Once Upon A Time, which everyone hates, or Buffy's sister, Dawn Summers, or Connor Angel. You don’t have to worry about it, Cassie. I'm sure you'll be an incredible mother. "

"Mackenzie, promise me you'll be by my side to tell me when I'm being an awful mother." Cassie's voice becomes tremulous, emotional as if she's about to cry and Mackenzie doesn’t know what to do, she hugs and caresses Cassie's left arm slowly.

"I promise I'll be by your side," she whispers.

The two remain quiet in almost total silence except for the short sobs of crying that Cassie makes, meanwhile Mackenzie only strokes her friend as uncertain of what provoked this crisis of crying felt the tears that flow in her face wet the handle of her own tank top, until Cassie breaks the silence that lingers like an agonizing shadow.

"Mackenzie..." she says as the voice still tearful.

"Yes?" She sighs.

"I'm pregnant," she whispers timidly, trapping her own voice, as if afraid to say what she said.

Mackenzie’s heart shoots, everything makes sense now, or should, if not all is clearer, but look at Cassie's eyes if she is also scared? Her heart beats hard, stronger than it's beaten before, she's certain of that. What to do? There is nothing to be said. Nothing can change or take away the weight that this revelation brought to her, on the other hand...

On the other hand, she is vibrating, a smile begins to appear on her face and tries to escape her lips. No, she is not so terrified, she is happy. Somehow complete. Glad to be by her side in a moment like this, and be the shoulder that comforts her best friend. Better. Happy for being beside the woman she loves in such a special moment. She turns toward Cassie slowly, who moves her head that was once resting on Mackenzie's shoulders, letting her stand up a little to look at her, and with a soft smile, Mackenzie looks Cassie in the eyes.

God, she doesn't want Cassie to see the much contemplation in her eyes, but she knows she can’t hide what she feels. She places her right hand that once was caressing Cassie's arms on her belly under her shirt. Her skin is so soft at her touch, yet with the unexpected touch, she feels Cassie shivers, but as their eyes meet, she comforts herself, and they smile at each other quietly.

"Do you want to talk about the baby or the pregnancy?" Mackenzie asks softly.

Almost like a sigh, Cassie responds. "Not now."

"Do you want to sleep?"

"I really would like that." She sighs relieved "Finally sleep ..." She completes humming.

Mackenzie layback on the bed, opening her arms for Cassie snuggling in her embrace, which she does without, hesitates. Leaning her head this time on Mackenzie's breast, listening to her heartbeat, and using the beating speed that gradually stabilized like a lullaby.

Mackenzie places her left hand on Cassie's hair and rubs it gently, feeling calm once more, and before Cassie falls asleep, she kisses her forehead.

"Goodnight Cassie."

"G’night Mackenzie."

There is a certain delay in her sleep, but when the weight of the tiring day it comes over your eyes and she goes back to sleep, not so easily like before, but this time nestled with Cassie and the warmth of her body over hers. Then when she finally slept, it brought good dreams for both of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So thats it. This is what I have for you this time...  
> So, that do you think? Am I messing up? Or maybe not?  
> If you want to know it'll happen come back soon, I'm sure you will like. It might have a kiss or something... 
> 
> And thank you for coming back and reading this crazy thing that comes from my mind.
> 
> \- Gess


	4. There are things we never said

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mackenzie left Toronto ready to find her best friend, but things seem to be quite different from what she imagined. Her feelings for Cassie are stronger, and it seems that Cassie has some surprises for her best friend. What could it be? Mackenzie begins to wonder if things with Cassie are as black and white as she thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1- My first language isn't English, so I apologize if you find any grammatical error or anything like that.  
> 2 - I'm sorry I took too long to update the new chapter. My college life got stuck inside of few books and exams. To make itup, I promise that the next chapter won't take so longer to come. I'm already working on it.

That morning Mackenzie awakened with a sense of not knowing where she was, though a weight on her left shoulder brought a sense of being in a Déjà Vu. Gradually she opened her eyes to see that she wasn’t in her house, that explains the mix of sensations and as she turning her head toward her left shoulder she sees Cassie asleep.

Their bodies both locked together and she could feel the parts of Cassie's body that were attached to her. Cassie’s left leg over Mackenzie’s and Cassie's left forearm invading the space between them, passing through Mackenzie’s chest and her arm was curved making her hand rested close to Mackenzie’s right breast. All the sensations were possible at this moment, the exact moment that Mackenzie can see Cassie as if she is while dreaming. That way she can see the shapes of her friend's face hiding beneath the strands of hair that fall on her, and yet she can see the small smile that formed on Cassie's lips. Mackenzie could hate those strands of hair that hinder the full view of her best friend's face, but she sighs at the way her hair seems to fall perfectly on Cassie's lips. A scene that deserved to be painted. If only she could touch it if it didn’t seem so wrong to want it. Touch the soft skin that hides under those strands of hair, the firm pink lips that are so close to hers, less than a flat of the hand, so close that she can feel the warm air coming out of Cassie's nostrils, her lips so close and sinuous it becomes impossible not to touch them. Then on an impulse, Mackenzie moves her right hand over her best friend's face, leaving her there hovering in the temptation of touch, until the moment she surrenders to her removing the first stirring from Cassie's face by placing her behind her ear her. There is a beautiful face. Watching Cassie's eyes closed, in a deep sleep, calm and in peace. One more time and she would have the full vision, but removing this strand of hair would be touching Cassie's lips, and this is the most she wants, but it is like biting the fruit of sin. The so irresistible fruit of sin. Mackenzie's fingers trailed her hair over Cassie's lips as her undecided fingers gazed into her friend's closed lips and her eyes are sailing between lips and mouth. Suddenly the fear of doing something wrong arises and she needs to decide if she goes on removing the hair that takes the vision of her desires, or gives up and walks away lost in a frustrated desire.

Why does this desire seem so wrong? Maybe because could be another morning when Cassie would sneak up to Mackenzie's bed and hug her, and with a little spoon as she buries her face in her neck, but this is just an innocent act of an old friendship. It seems so wrong to want it so strongly that it doesn’t touch it seems like a violation of an unmade pact. Yet Cassie's lips are there so close and so distant at the same time, like a work of fate. A paradox that consumes her and makes Mackenzie's heart race in the desperation to feel them, but she looks back into Cassie's eyes once more, she fears her conflicting desire, being caught would make it all a lost act. However, Cassie’s eyes are still closed and Mackenzie can give herself to those lips once more, and this movement repeats itself for few more times until Mackenzie's hand comes to life by itself and removes the hair covering Cassie's lips. For a brief movement, Mackenzie's fingertips crawled up and down Cassie's lips and in response to the touch they moved slightly, making Mackenzie smile or almost sigh.

Once she has in the image of her friend's face completely Mackenzie hovers her fingers through her lips, decorating every detail with the restless fingers not touching the surface of the softness of Cassie's skin, even if it is a crime not caressing over there.

A while later Mackenzie is once again with the tip of her fingers over Cassie's eyes, this time unsuspecting, she is surprised when Cassie's lips undo from a straight line to a shy smile and then she bites her lower lip. Mackenzie is startled to notice that Cassia looks at her, her eyes half-closed, the drowsy air doesn’t take away the weight of what had happened. Cassie bit her lips in response to Mackenzie's touch, and Mackenzie finds herself unsure of what to do.

"Hey!" Mackenzie says intentionally almost inaudibly, but with a deep sigh, Cassie returns to open her eyes and approaches the distance between them less than a palm.

"Good morning!" Cassie responds almost like a sigh. Going back to biting her lip, this time slowly.

  _God. If this is kind of a joke, please stop_. Mackenzie pleads with herself.

"Were you staring at my lips, Mackenzie?" Cassia asks in such a suggestive tone that Mackenzie could swear she was excited at the thought.

Mackenzie feels the blood run down her face and the blush grows on her cheeks. "I ?!" she says trying to pull away, but Cassie moves the hand that once rested next to her chest, wrapping it around her Mackenzie's ribs approaching the two, even more, the two of them are now four fingers apart, and Cassie closes her eyes again, sighing once more.

Mackenzie feels her heart racing, it would be possible something like this, she's sure that her heart never beat so hard, maybe she is having a heart attack, she thought for a moment. "I?" She repeats, "No ... Why would I do that?" She takes a deep breath. "I was just trying to pull a hair off, but it's gone."

"Ok!" One more sigh and Cassie moves once more, this time Mackenzie feels her nose rub her lips and her lip has never been so close, she can feel them in her especially when Cassie travels her lower lip with her tongue moistening them, Mackenzie copying the motions, moistening hers. Cassie's right there, she doesn’t have to do anything. Just kiss her, but that seems so impossible.

"Did you sleep well?" Cassie asks robbing Mackenzie of her thoughts.

"Y- Yes, and you?" She replied in a muffled voice.

"Marvelously well," Cassia's hand descended to Cassie's belly finding a path under Mackenzie's T-shirt, "You look so warm ..." her hand rubs Mackenzie's belly, making her shiver. "... I didn’t sleep so well in years..." she continued. "It's like being home after be caught in the cold rain."

"I didn’t know I was your heater," Mackenzie replies with an ironic tone, trying to forget what's happening.

Cassie's hand goes up, now Mackenzie can feel it on her bare skin, running the space between her belly and just below her breasts. She could swear that this is a tease, but she stops and as she looks at Cassie and notices how sleepy her friend is. After a few minutes, she wakes up once more.

"You are more than that Mackenzie. You are my home. My place on earth. My place to be safe. "

Mackenzie feels unable to do anything. She just caresses Cassie's hair, and Cassie moves once more, her lips pressed together. Mackenzie's heart races once more. Cassie's eyes are closed and she can feel that she is falling asleep again. However, the lips are together, she can move or can catch Cassie’s on hers and this would be turned into a kiss, but only she would remember.

She can catch Cassie's lips with hers and run her hands through Cassie’s body, awaken her with everything she has been keeping for herself. Touch it and make Cassie feel all the love that she can give. All the desire she feels, but that would be hasty.

Then Mackenzie decides to leave.

Cassie opens her eyes as her hands find their way out of Mackenzie's T-shirt, away from the touch of her skin.

All she wants is to get out of the trap that threatens their friendship since she is not willing to change what they are. Even so, Mackenzie can see herself in Cassie's eyes, while her friend picks up the lost touch, this time touching Mackenzie's face, bringing them closer together as the questioning eyes try to understand why the distance.

Their eyes meet again, and everything seems to be lost to Mackenzie, who finds herself unable to say No and surrenders to Cassie's touch. It all seems a torture to the oath of friendship she once made. Just friends. However, everything seems so right, so possible or even real, at that moment Mackenzie begins to wish with all her strength that everything is just a dream.

Cassie is right next to her and their lips are so close to one touch. All she needs to do is get them into hers and kiss Cassie surrendering to the desire that torture her, but at the same time seems to be the only thing that makes her heart beat.

Cassie's lips move and Mackenzie's hands run over Cassie's shoulders, holding onto the back of her neck, holding her tight and Cassie does the same. There is no more distance between them, they are just two bodies that want to occupy a single space, but they remain distant. Just a touch of the lips and everything that wasn’t said will be demonstrated. A kiss and everything will be clear.

Mackenzie is about to take Cassie's lips in hers, but a knock once again makes it all impossible.

She stops before their lips curl connected into the kiss.

Cassie sighs without action, staring at Mackenzie's mouth.

Mackenzie swallows her desire and looks away.

"The door ..." Mackenzie says with a tremulous voice.

Cassie blinks looking uncertainly of what is happening.

"The door," Mackenzie repeats, looking back at Cassie, who unbelievingly looks at Mackenzie, too confused.

Cassie removes her hand from Mackenzie's hair, her arched eyes averting her gaze, this time avoiding Mackenzie's gaze.

"Your door Cassie, someone is hitting on her." Mackenzie forces herself to repeat once more closing her eyes.

Bewildered she feels Cassie walk away in silence, then get up and leave the room.

Mackenzie takes a deep breath. She rubs her eyes and pulls out the pillow where her head rests, presses it against her face and screams in frustration.

***

A certain time after Cassie left Mackenzie still finds herself disbelieving to what almost happened. She rethinks their near-kiss several times, repeatedly trying to find a rational way to explain what almost happened. Thinking about what to say when she sees her, “I kiss you? I think you were dreaming.” Or the other hand, she could just apologize and explain that she was too sleepy to know what she was doing, and still confess, why not?!  "I love you, Cassie, I've always loved and always will”. However, any word that she uses would be like an act of betrayal. Nothing she could say could change what almost happened.

Mackenzie removed the pillow from her face and stares at the half-open door, maybe Cassie doesn’t return, maybe the two of them spend the rest of the day without seeing each other. That would be the best that could happen, at least that is what she expects, but the meeting between them is inevitable, Mackenzie knows that at any moment Cassie can enter through the door that she faces so much. She sits on the bed giving the coast to the door, facing the curtained window leaving a gap that reveals how the day is sunny, only now she notices that it goes past 11 in the morning.

 

It does not take long until Mackenzie hears voices coming from the hall, and before she can do anything, she is surprised when someone invades the room making her jump out of bed with wide eyes.

"I can’t believe in this," the person speaks extremely enthusiastic for seeing Mackenzie. "I've been waiting for this moment for so long!" She approaches Mackenzie and holds her tight. "You're so much prettier in person ..."

"God, Spencer! Please." Cassie enters the room soon after exasperated, and after pulling off her friend, trying to push her away from Mackenzie.

"Mackenzie has a girlfriend." She speaks with a little irritation, putting herself between the two women.

Spencer looks at Cassie with a half-smile on her thin lips. "Yes, that's true," she says this time looking at Mackenzie. "The infamous Samantha, right?"

Mackenzie finds herself stunned by the moment. She shakes her head trying to clear her thoughts. "Sorry, who the hell are you?"

Spencer frowns in confusion. She seems to realize now that she has not been introduced.

"Oh…Yes!" She smiles. "I'm Spencer." She says, as she as she reaches for Mackenzie. "It's a great pleasure to finally meet you," she says with a little excitement.

"You really should want to meet me?!" Mackenzie says, not sure if all this bothers her. On the one hand, she is grateful enough for the strangeness of this situation, on the other she realizes that perhaps it would be better if Cassie had returned without anyone. She can’t help but notice the tension in the air between the two, especially because Cassie avoids looking at her, no matter how much she tries to keep her friend away from her. At this point, she begins to wonder how she got into this situation, but the thoughts are removed from her mind as she returns to pay attention to Spencer and her restless hands, that doesn’t stop trying to touch her.

"I feel like I already know you."

Mackenzie looks at Cassie who once again looks away from anywhere. "Oh really?"

"Of course! How could I not know you? Cassie talks so much about you that it looks like we’re a quartet. "

"Hmmm ..."

"Knowing you is almost like a dream to me."

"Ok, Spencer..." Cassie now says annoyed. "Enough! Mackenzie already understands! You are happy to meet her. I get it too." Cassie seems so disturbed by the non-existent proximity between them that it makes everything that happened about fifteen minutes ago very insignificant. Something disturbs her, of course, but knowing exactly what has this effect on her is the problem.

"Oh! Someone is in a bad mood today. What Cassie, you didn’t sleep well tonight? "

"I slept very well Spencer, thank you for concern."

"Yes. I can confirm that. In fact, we just woke up ... And maybe the morning's bad mood is because you woke us up. "

Spencer puts her hand on her chest dramatically. "Oh no!" She says mocking. "I woke you at 11:00 on Sunday... How unfortunate."

Mackenzie doesn’t know why but, Spencer's reactions remind her of someone, and in a way, after the shock of the first hug, she seems to like the new company. Spencer appears to be someone interesting, definitely a close friend, to know so much about Cassie and about her. She stops for a bit and actually looks to Spencer. She is tall, relatively thin, has short curly brown hair, large green eyes that are highlighted by her black skin. She really is beautiful, which makes Mackenzie sigh a little, but then she looks back at Cassie and feels her heart pound.

"Wait!" Spencer says as someone who has just realized something. "You said I woke you up? Did you sleep together?" She concludes with a wicked smile on her lips ready to speak something extremely inconvenient. "Oh! Look at you..." she slaps Cassie's shoulders lightly. "You don’t waste time, hum? There's already someone in your bed. "

"Spencer, please... This is not the time for sordid remarks...” Cassie says blushing. “By the way what are you doing here?"

"I was leaving a friend's house, and I thought maybe you wanted some company, after all, you've been so lonely lately. I figured you wanted someone you could talk to while having a nice breakfast. "

Cassie narrow her eyes. "Let me see if I get it right." She can’t hide the sarcasm in her voice. "You woke up at the house of some girl you've had sex with all night. She was asleep and to avoid explanations you went out for a basic walk of shame, and since I'm your only single friend who apparently has nothing to do on a Sunday morning, you thought you could eat here and then go out and eat somebody else. "

"Whoa, Cassie… You wound me."

Cassie looks at her once more as Mackenzie does her best not to laugh at this foolish dialogue.

"Correction!" Spencer says ironically, "You're my best single friend who apparently has nothing to do on a Sunday morning."

Cassie just nods.

"... but with my new friend Mackenzie is here ..." She places her arms wrapped around Mackenzie's shoulder. "I think we'd better go to a brunch, I’m gonna pay." She says the last part with a satisfied smile.

Cassie shakes her head, "I don’t think that's a good idea-"

"Maybe it is," Mackenzie says quickly as she watches Cassie frown in reaction to her quick meddling.

"I'd really like to go, we have no plans for today, and I'm not so excited about the idea of spending the rest of the day locked in this apartment."

Mackenzie see Cassie thinking arguing about it, she even hears a "But..." coming out of her lips, but Cassie seems to be giving up the idea altogether. She just watches Cassie nod and looking down at the floor nod.

"Okay, I'm going to change. If you'll excuse me..."

They leave the room as Mackenzie watches Cassie staring Spencer’s face in a way she rarely sees Cassie looking at someone. As soon as the two of them get at the corridor that leads them to Cassie's bedroom they start to talk, but none of them are heard. Mackenzie also doesn’t make much effort to listen to them. They must be inaudible for good reason and she definitely doesn’t need to know what it is.

 

***

 

It doesn’t take long to Mackenzie to be ready, and although she shouldn’t be surprised to have to wait for Cassie, she ends up surprising and waiting for another few minutes until the two girls leave the bedroom with smiles and whispers. Not so different from how they got there before. Cassie is surprised to see that Mackenzie was already waiting for her in the living room, as soon she sees her friend waiting for her the smile on her face disappears and she returns to the suspicious and restless way she was before.

 

Slowly the awkward situation between them seems to be forgotten. They make a walk to Lexington Ave, Cassie's favorite place while waiting in line, the three begin an exciting talk about women in history. Mackenzie talks about the muses to the stories behind famous paintings, as well as writers and poetics of the ninth century. Spencer doesn’t stop talking about the same women writers but focuses mainly on women journalists and the pseudonyms used by them. Cassie kept silent in some parts of the conversation, but she also talks about movements that brought women to the streets to fight for their rights, for example, the Suffragettes. The conversation kept alive between the three of them and remained from the line to the table. Cassie chose to sit outside the restaurant, so if they were over-excited, so they wouldn’t bother with the fervent conversation they were having.

 

Mackenzie didn’t fail to notice that although all this Cassie still didn’t seem very relaxed, still avoiding touching her or at certain times looks directly at her. It was still a consequence of what had happened before, what could be a kiss now is a silence that seems to push her away. However, she preferred to act as before, as if nothing had happened. It would be damn everything. If she had to take care of this matter later, she would do.

 

They stayed in the place for about 3 hours, in the middle period they changed the subject several times.

 

"It's like I said it once ..." Cassie changed the subject one more time. "The best thing about working with the media is that nothing goes unnoticed."

She looks at the cell phone that has been ringing for few times. She just visualizes and slides to reject the call, but after the fourth time wasn't possible not answer the phone. She looked at the girls at the table.

"Sorry, I need to answer that call." She said before leaving the table, leaving Mackenzie and Spencer alone.

Mackenzie can’t hide her curiosity and follow her friend until she disappears from her sight.

"You can not take your eyes off her, can you?" Spencer asks with a snarky smile.

"W-Wh-Wha-What?" Mackenzie stutters.

"You don’t stop looking at her. You didn’t stop for a minute, not since the bedroom. You look away quickly but then look back. "

"Not quite." Mackenzie snaps.

“‘Not quite?’ Spence pushes the carefree way out of the way and sets toward Mackenzie, leaning over the table, placing his elbow on the table and resting her chin on her hands. "So how is it?"

"We're goo- great friends."

"I have no doubt of that.” Spencer says wickedly, “I know more about you than you realize."

"I'd like to know how you two met," Mackenzie says shyly.

Spencer leaned back in her chair. "At work ... I used to work in the media company that she interned in the first two years she worked here."

Mackenzie curls her lips. "Oh really? How did she never talked about you? "

"It's because we weren’t that close before, silly." Mackenzie could see a smirk of wicked once more, and again wonder why Spencer looks so familiar. "We got closer after some time." She tilts her head to the side and bites her lips, staring at Mackenzie's lips. "Of course there's that thing you probably don’t know". She whispers the last part.

"There are some things Cassie has not told me, and I'm sure they're pulling us away."

"So ..." She gestures with her hand. "I'm sure you're hiding several things from her, too."

Mackenzie sighed unhappily that she felt a bit relaxed by Spencer’s side. "No!” Mackenzie sighed unsatisfied that she felt so relaxed beside Spencer.

"They are not many...,” she says shyly looking at her hands. "Only two to be more exact." She looked up in frustration. "I no longer be Samantha is one of them," she says and takes a deep breath as she feels relief for speaking out loud to someone.

"Wait ... why didn’t you tell her?" Spencer points to the direction Cassie has gone.

"It's complicated."

"Why is it complicated?" Spencer asked clearly confused.

"Forget ... I did not-"

"Look at Mackenzie, stop right there!" Spencer says approaching her. "I've learned a long time that things are complicated as far as we let them be... It's simple." At this moment for the first time, Mackenzie sees a smile on Spencer's lips, a genuine smile.

"We all have the straight girl who steals our air. I just left mine naked, and asleep in her bed." She looks at the clock on her right wrist. "Well, that was almost three hours ago." She comes back with a smirk.

Mackenzie can’t say anything other than finally realizing what she found so familiar to Spencer. Levi, she narrows her eyes in disbelief as soon as it passes through her mind.

"You have a beautiful smile," she whispers as if telling a secret.

"I know..." Spencer whispers next to her. "It's my natural charm."

"I don’t know why you're saying this, Spencer."

They jump away from each other as soon they realize that Cassie has approached them.

"I really don’t see why you always say that. There's nothing charming about a smile." She sits down in the chair in front of her. "I told you to stop flirting with Mackenzie. She has a girlfriend and she is not interested in you. "

Spencer chuckles back clapping.

"I don’t know Cassie... You might be surprised at what you can get with fifteen minutes of a deep conversation."

"What did you tell her?" She asks Mackenzie snapping a bit jealousy.

"I didn’t say anything," Mackenzie shakes her head.

"Hmmm..." Cassie narrows her eyes. "So why I don’t think it was a good idea to leave you two alone?"

"But of course it was a good idea, Cassie ... We’d not say anything until tomorrow, but Mackenzie and I thought that’d be a good idea call few friends and meeting tomorrow night at my apartment. Then our friends can meet Mackenzie too."

"We did what?" Mackenzie asked after feeling ankle kick and she looks at Spencer who glares at her frighteningly. "Yes. Us. That's right!" She agrees, trying to massage her bruised ankle.

"I don’t think it's a good idea, Mackenzie. Mostly because we have that thing in the morning and we'll probably be tired at night." Cassie said that glaring at Spencer.

"Yeah, Cassie, but I believe whatever that thing we'll do tomorrow..." she looked at Cassie, who looks at her uncertainly, but this time really looks her in eyes.

 "I want to go to Spencer tomorrow and meet your friends." She lowers her head and looks down at her. "You've lived here for so long and I know so little about you, your friends or routine."

Cassie smiles and nods. "If that's what you want, it's perfect for me."

They look at each other again; they say nothing just keep looking at each other as if there is nothing around them. Cassie's mouth curls into a shy smile and Mackenzie can’t help but smile back.

She finally feels that everything is forgotten. Now what could have been the beginning of a kiss doesn’t exist anymore, although she can feel the phantoms of Cassie’s lips almost catching hers.

"Do you need anything?" Spencer said taking them out of the trance they stood.

"What?" Mackenzie asks.

"Can I ask for the bill?"

"No need," Cassie says. "I pay."

"No Cassie."

"It's all right, Mackenzie. You paid for lunch yesterday. Spencer will throw you a party tomorrow. So, I paid for the Brunch today, right?"

"OK." Both agreed.

Mackenzie sees Cassie backing away again, as an idea starts to pop in her mind, maybe she'll regret it, but at this point, is better risk something.

"Spencer do you know Paul?"

"Sure, who do you think was their cupid?"

Although Mackenzie feels transfixed by the "news" she prefers not give so much attention to new information.

"Can you give me his number?"

"Unhum! Give me your phone. "

Mackenzie unlocks the cell phone and delivers quickly to Spencer.

"What do you want it for?" She says as she types.

"I need to talk to him," Mackenzie answers attentively to Cassie's actions.

"Can I know-"

Mackenzie realizes that Cassie is coming back and takes the phone out of Spencer's hands without caring that she has finished doing what she asked. Probably yes, she concludes.

As she approaches Cassie, she senses their uneasiness.

"What were you doing?" She asks more suspiciously.

"Nothing!" Spencer responds in a more watery voice than Mackenzie wished, and then she cleared her throat and continued. "I was just passing my number to Macky."

Cassie takes a deep breath.

"Okay, enough for today. We'll see you tomorrow. "

Cassie takes Mackenzie's hand and pulls her in the opposite direction to Spencer.

With a sudden movement, Mackenzie looks back and waves to Spencer, then she turns her gaze to Cassie who holds her hand tightly, more than she would like.

"Are you okay?" She asks in a soft but confused voice.

Cassie notices Mackenzie's expression and lets her hand go.

"Yeah, I'm fine ... It's just that things weren’t as I had planned and you know it irritates me."

"And what had you planned for today?" She couldn1t hide the worried tone in her voice.

Cassie blushes over Mackenzie's look and concern.

"Nothing much," she says, looking down at the floor. "Just chill and Netflix."

Mackenzie let the smile emerge on her face. She looks at Cassie's hands that move oddly, and grabs her left hand, surprising Cassie with by her action. Both smiled at each other, both blushed.

"We have something very important tomorrow, didn’t you know?"

"No… what?" Mackenzie asks cleaning her throat.

"We have our first appointment with the baby's doctor."

Mackenzie just smiles and nods, happily.

They continue to walk toward Cassie's apartment. Mackenzie felt her stomach flipping and having the feeling that she was once again a teenager in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think is going to happen next? 
> 
> thank you for come back! More surprises are coming soon.


	5. Then I’m the hand that you want holding to

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time for Mackenzie realize the choices she made and start to live her feelings.

At that morning Mackenzie woke up with Cassie in her arms once more, this seems to be an incurable habit and maybe it's all her fault. A few years ago, everything seemed simple, but now this habit becomes some kind of morning torture. Cassie looks so peaceful, her mouth curls into a small smile, and look at that face is almost distressing to Mackenzie, but it has already become one of the favorites moments of her day, and she is not sure how she would act if she didn’t wake up like that. She looks at Cassie and cannot help but smile, and everything seems so surreal.

"Cassie..." she whispers and there is no reaction. "Cassie..." she speaks for a few more times until she gets tired and calls for the last time, this time in a hoarse voice.

"Cassie!"

"Hmmm!" She has the immediate response as she watches Cassie opening her eyes still stunned by sleep. "Let me sleep." she murmurs, burying her face in Mackenzie's neck. Everything looks like Déjà vu, but she knows this moment is just a rerun of the day before, at least for now.

"I don’t understand how you end up here every morning."

Almost like sighing, she gets the answer. "It’s easy. I just need to come to your room every night."

"I'm going to start locking that door," Mackenzie mutters.

"I don’t know why you complain so much. It looks like you're waiting for me every night."

"Excuse me?" She reacted dramatically.

"Don’t come with ‘Excuse me?’ Mackenzie, every night you wait for me with your arms open. Well, left arm, but it's like you've been inviting me. You love waking up with me in your arms."

Mackenzie arches an eyebrow.

"It's like you're unconsciously waiting for me, so I can just fit you perfectly, so I can sleep with your warmth." Cassie grins at her.

"I don’t think so..." Mackenzie protests a little certain that it is useless. "If so, how did you sleep when I wasn’t here?" The question seems perfect. Mackenzie is sure there isn’t a good answer for it. She lets a smirk grow in the corner of her mouth.

"I didn’t sleep," Cassie, answered without think.

"What?"

"It's true, I didn't sleep before," Cassie also said, moving her head for Mackenzie's gaze. "I waited until three in the morning. Only then could I-"

"Call me…"

"Call you."

The two talked together as soon as their eyes meet and Mackenzie sees Cassie's face light up with a big smile.

"Just so I could rest by listening to your voice until I fell asleep."

What she could say, Mackenzie wondered. What Cassie said was so naturally so simply, but full of everything. She could just look at Cassie all day, take courage, and simply say, _"I'm in love with you."_  But once again, she gives herself up to cowardice. "What time do we have the appointment with Baby's doctor?"

Cassie blinks. "Ten o'clock," though she responds even frustrated with the change of subject.

"It's almost eight; we'd better start getting ready." Mackenzie tries to pull away but fails as Cassie grabs her rib with her right hand.

"It’s still early."

"I need to take you to 'Cuddling Addicts Anonymous,' and besides it's not that early and you live in New York, we'll probably be late if we don’t go soon."

"Okay, give me another twenty minutes." Cassie whimpers, "Me and the baby have some nights to sleep since you didn’t pick up some of my calls."

"So it's my fault?"

"Of course it is."

"This is blackmail."

Cassie shrugs. "I didn’t say it wasn’t."

"Only twenty minutes."

To whom she could fool, they both know that Mackenzie was happy to stay there for another twenty minutes or a lifetime.

***

Mackenzie and Cassie had been at the reception for some time, and the wait was making them both anxious. Cassie was right, they arrived too soon and all they could do was wait patiently until the doctor calls Cassie’s name, but patience was never Mackenzie best virtue.

About half an hour later Cassie heard her name being called by the attendant. The two of them rise simultaneously and go to the room where the doctor is waiting for both. When a woman appears to meet her and Cassie, she introduces herself and explains the purpose of this appointment, after she gives Cassie a disposable outfit, shows the bathroom, and Cassie leaves the room, leaving Mackenzie and the doctor alone.

Mackenzie frowns, approaching the table where the doctor is.

"She's fine, I guess." She looks at the doctor who keeps her eyes away from her, aware of the notepad. "She has problems to sleep..." she crosses her arms, uncrosses and puts her hands in the back pockets of her pants, "She seems very agitated, but I don’t know if it’s not normal." She cleared her throat. "Maybe it's the hormones... She's very emotional. I don’t know..."

"You're looking a little distressed," the doctor says, removing her eyes from the notepad where she made some more notes.

"I'm fine... I'm just anxious about the baby."

The doctor nods, Mackenzie has the impression that she almost said something, but gave up at the last minute.

"I bet you are. First-time parents always are. You should not worry about it, it's completely normal for you to feel that way."

"Yes, it's jus-."

"I'm ready." Cassie emerged before Mackenzie could say anything else.

After the two and the doctor followed along the long white corridor. In the meantime, she understood why Cassie seemed so tense about the doctor, this was not a normal appointment, and it looked more like an episode of Gray's Anatomy with so much silence and so much tension around them. She couldn’t help wondering if it was everything really all right, and to make matters worse the more they walked, the more Cassie became tense, halfway along the way she took her hand again, this time stronger than the previous one. She knows how much Cassie hates hospitals.

"It's okay," she tried to whisper, but there was so much silence that the whisper seemed more like a scream around three of them. She looked at the doctor who looked at both of them with a discreet smile on her face. Her gray hair showed that she was already experienced and the gentle look ensured that they were safe.

Cassie and Mackenzie were led to a door that read _"Collect"_ Seeing the name Mackenzie can feel her friend squeezing her hand, and hear a sigh of protest. As if she was watching a crying child, she saw Cassie look at the doctor and ask why the blood had to be collected. They both heard the doctor warn Cassie about her latest exams and some concern about the anemia in them. If there were, something wrong found at the exams, she would have to take some vitamins and eat better. Therefore, Mackenzie watched Cassie squirm like a spoiled child as the needle pierced her arm. She struggled almost all the time against the grin that seemed to appear on her lips, but she lost the battle when Cassie whimpered exaggeratedly.

After collection, both returned to the main office. Cassie finally let Mackenzie's hand go as she prepared for the baby's ultrasound, the two looked at each other in a very different way, impossible to be described, but there was a word that resonated in Mackenzie's mind. It was Happiness.

"Okay, girls ready to see the baby?"

They could only agree silently, the aptitude for speech seemed to have disappeared at that moment.

They watched the doctor put a viscous gel on Cassie's belly after picking up the instrument with her hand and sliding it over her.

There they remained anxious watching the doctor's smile as she returned the look of excitement, but gradually everything changed. The smile disappeared; her face became taut, her lips winning a straight shape, her forehead wrinkled and her eyebrows narrowing. The relapsed look gained focus and the tense air began to grow.

Cassie and Mackenzie absorbed what was around them, and their facial expressions also changed and their hands held tight and tight. They no longer looked at each other just focused on looking where the doctor was stubbornly focused. A small screen, similar to a TV.

"You told your doctor you were bleeding and menstruating normally, is this still the case, Cassie?" She said taking out a camera from Cassie's belly and cleaning it with a tissue in the gelatinous liquid that had been in her belly before.

Mackenzie looks at Cassie and she sees the desperation growing on her face, realizing that Cassie is paralyzed. "She hasn’t bled for the past three days." She looks at Cassie confirming.

"It's been a few weeks since you found out I was pregnant, by my calculations you're passed ten weeks now."

Both just nodded.

"In which clinic did you perform the artificial insemination procedure?"

"We didn’t-" Mackenzie turns to Cassie, who is now pale, her lips a little pink, her color becoming pale as her face. She ignores anything the doctor is talking about focusing solely on Cassie. She holds both sides of her face raising her head low, forcing her to look into their eyes, at this moment there is no one else in the world just the two of them.

"Look at me," she says firmly holding her friend's face. "I'm here, Cassie. Look at me." She speaks for a few more times until Cassie looks up at her. Her eyes red, filled with tears that seem to seek a path of escape toward her face. "I'm here!" Cassie just nodded, claiming she understands the message. Mackenzie loosens Cassie's face and as an automatic gesture, she feels her friend bury her face in her torso and after a minimal amount of time, she feels the warm tears rolling down her shirt.

"Hey, I'm here," she says as she strokes her hair. "Cassie's all right. The doctor didn’t say anything much..." she tries to convince her certain that the trembling voice is unable to be convincing. “We didn’t hear the word ‘wrong.’”

Cassie nods once more, pressing Mackenzie hard against her. Mackenzie looks at the doctor, who gently waits for them while Cassie re-establishes herself after she raises Cassie's face one more time for her eyes to make contact.

"Cassie, I need you to go change, can you do this?"

Cassie nods.

"Can you do that?" She repeats this time expecting a real answer.

"Yes," Cassie says as the muffled.

As soon as Cassie leaves, Mackenzie heads for the doctor across the room to her real room. She sits in a medical front chair keeping herself as focused as possible, so she doesn’t collapse in front of her best friend.

"What's going on?" She asks the doctor, realizing how much of her she is shaking.

"Your partner is pregnant, but her pregnancy is extremely risky."

"Oh..." Mackenzie hesitates uncertainly. She feels her hands shaking, and she knows she is ready to cry, but she stands firm. Struggling against the tear that insists on falling down her face. "She is fine?"

"Yes, she is..." The doctor manages to speak as meekly as possible. "But not the baby."

Mackenzie feels her heart racing. A lump rises in her throat stealing the air she tries to breathe.

"Look, call me Caroline... it's better."

"OK! What is wrong?"

"Cassie is pregnant with the kind of pregnancy we call Ectopic Pregnancy. It happens when the embryo lodges outside the mother's womb, at the ovaries, fallopian tubes or in the case of Cassie in the cervix." Mackenzie nods. “In a case like that, her body receives the message that is pregnant, but the baby is not there. That is why she continued menstruating, and so the bleeding. That's why I asked for the blood tests."

"You suspected before."

"When I received her medical history, I could not help noticing the slight anemia, and this worried me, but the symptoms described here were more alarmin-" Caroline explained trying to be as clear as possible, but at that moment she noticed Cassie standing, next to the closet door, she pressed her lips together and looked uncertainly at Mackenzie. Mackenzie stood looking back.

"Since when are you there?" She asked.

"Since 'ovaries, fallopian tubes or in the case of Cassie in the cervix.'"

Cassie looked far away, beyond the space they were. The poorly buttoned shirt showed that she was in a hurry to dress, and didn’t care much about her appearance, as long as her body was covered, was enough. Her pale face and trembling hands showed that she was still on edge. Her heavy breathing and her wide, restless eyes made sure she was reaching for a spot to focus on, but she seemed incapable of it.

"Hey..." Mackenzie said, getting up and reaching for her. As she approaches, she takes Cassie by the hand, giving her the strength and focus she needs right now. Then she directs her to the chair in front of the doctor next to her. "Sit here," she said carefully.

Cassie obeyed, stunned just sat with eyes fixed on the average that awaited them to continue the explanation. She put both arms on the back of the chair and pressed them hard. Mackenzie sat back, watching Cassie, her eyes detailing every part of her expression. Placing all the right arm and hand over Cassie's left arm and left hand. It wasn’t long before Cassie dropped her chair to take Mackenzie's hand, hands clasped. The fingers intertwined.

"What happens now?" Cassie asked in agony.

"As I said before, the baby could not get to the womb and that makes it difficult for him to born."

Mackenzie pressed his lips together before asking the next question. "What does that mean?" She asked as she felt Cassie squeeze her hand even more.

"Usually we can only identify cases like this through a blood test. In the case of Cassie is a little different..." the doctor for measuring the next words. "As your baby has already reached the tenth week and being located in the cervix makes it easier to discover the... of the situation." She takes a deep breath. "When I asked what clinic you did the insemination... I asked because it is unacceptable something like that."

Upon hearing these words, Mackenzie notices something that has passed out of her sight all this time, from her entrance into the room, the conversation, the soft look in the hall. Caroline sees them as a couple. To the doctor in front of them, this baby is both Mackenzie and Cassie's, and maybe she's not mistaken. Yes, this baby belongs to both of them. As Cassie said, she would be there and Mackenzie would stick to this idea, at this moment she is Cassie's partner, and she's determined to do the only thing that makes sense at this point, to fight for their baby. Fight for them. She squeezes Cassie's hand, as hard as Cassie squeezes hers, takes a deep breath.

"What about our baby?" She asks less confidently than she thought it would sound, but she knows the tremulous words that come out of her mouth are just the reflection of the moment. Cassie looks at her, and she can see a glow rising from the back of her eyes. "How's our baby?" This time she's firmer.

"I can not lie to Mackenzie," Caroline says grimly. "Usually in a pregnancy like this, the baby doesn’t develop for more than fourteen weeks.

"But I'm already entering eleven!" Cassie responds in despair.

Caroline lowers her head avoiding contact with both. "I'm sorry girls."

"No!" Mackenzie practically screams. "I do not accept it. No! This baby will not..." she couldn’t finish the sentence. "...There has to be some way, something that tells us that everything can still be okay." Cassie looks at her in a way that Mackenzie is unable to read. "Tell us there's still hope!"

"I can’ lie, it's practically impossible." They say reluctantly.

"You said practically, that means there's still a slight chance."

"There are rare cases where the baby survived." She speaks quickly. "They are born premature and stay day...  Months in the incubator."

"But there are cases of survival." Mackenzie looks at Cassie hopefully but finds disbelief in Cassie's eyes. "Cassie we still can..."

"Cassie needs absolute rest, physical and mental."

"We can do this, right?" She asks Cassie. This time she answers a small smile. Shy, but still hopeful. Something that means Try.

 

***

 

Shortly after the two said goodbye to the doctor, she said everything that could help them, didn’t make any promises but said that would help them in what was necessary. Mackenzie and Cassie didn’t say anything about them not being a couple, but they clarified that it wasn’t a medical error, but the consequence of a night of drunkenness and a meeting with the ex. After her they returned home Mackenzie guided Cassie to the room where she is sleeping. She made sure that Cassie ate something nutritious and that she would rest. She called home and said that it would take a little longer to return. She opened her e-mail and saw a copy of the university's art museum where she studied, marked it as important but didn’t open it. She arranged whatever it took for her and Cassie to have the time they needed, she wanted this baby and for the first time in her life, she found herself making plans for the future. Her best friend would be a mother, she would just be Aunt Mackenzie, but she was sure she would be as much loved as a second mother.

That afternoon Mackenzie saw Cassie sleeping at the bed that she now called hers. A shiver went through her body taking care of every thought she could have. She realized, there was nowhere else she wanted to be, but a shadow was part of her good feelings. Paul was the baby's father, that brought her a woe and as much as she wanted to erase it would be impossible. She needed to know the truth. She needed to know what Cassie had not yet told her. She walked out the door of the room she called hers, into the frame of Cassie's bedroom, leaned back against her and she found she hated that place. She hated it because she was jealous of it. At there Cassie lived without her for so long, there were new memories. New smells. A new world of which she was no part. As stupid as that it seemed to be she hated not being there. However, this was her choice. For a brief moment, she chose someone else. She had chosen Samantha and didn’t exist a world where Cassie existed long enough to hate everything that she hadn’t seen with her. Though, that was past what matters now is the future.

Sure, said Mackenzie, she pulled her phone out of the back pocket of her faded pants. She looked at the list of new contacts, dialed and waited until someone answered.

"Hello!" The voice on the other side answered, perhaps a little confused by the strange number.

"Paul?! It's me, Mackenzie. "

"Hey, Macky!" He replied contentedly, giving her a great relief.

"I need to talk to you. Can you meet me at Lexington Ave, Cassie's favorite place in twenty minutes? "

"Is it something wrong?" He asked suspiciously.

"I really need to talk to you," she said firmly.

"I can take more than twenty minutes, but I'm already going there."

"Thank you, Paul, I'll see you soon."

Mackenzie hung up. She went back to her room to make sure Cassie was still asleep. She wrote a note on old paper and laid it next to the bed. "I'll be back soon XoXo!" Then he said he left, going to the only place where he apparently answered all the doubts that existed in her head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are new things that Mack is about to know, they might help her to live a love story. What do you think about it?  
> I made myself a Tumblr account, you might find it a bit boring but if like to see my stuff meet there as @nothorns-nopetals.  
> Thx for being back Gess.


	6. The Hidden Words That Wander In My Mouth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time to face themselves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My first language isn't English, so I apologize for my grammar.

Mackenzie practically ran to where he had arranged to meet Paul. She could hear her heart pounding as she sat down at a table, this time inside the bistro. It took more than twenty minutes for Paul to arrive, but she couldn’t blame him, he probably should have thrown everything away just to meet her.

Paul was always gentle, that was one of the reasons why Mackenzie liked him so much, and that affection was something she couldn’t describe.

Paul arrived almost half an hour after Mackenzie, so much anticipation had made her anxious and mostly hungry, but she preferred to wait for him to ask for something, so she decided for having some tea while she was waiting for him. When Paul got her watch was marking almost six in the afternoon.

"I'm sorry," he said coming out of nowhere, removing Mackenzie from the thoughts she was traveling at that moment.

"Alright!" She said, standing up with the small surprise as she hugged him. Mackenzie always liked to hug Paul, for some reason she felt something familiar every time the two exchanged hugs, again she didn’t know how to describe it, it was just that she something she used to feel, and that was what she loved about Paul, he was someone that she simply wanted around her.

"I was working when you called me, I had across the city," he said, searching for breath.

"Hey, it's okay!" She said with a smile. "You told me it would be a little longer," she said as they let each other go, and sat facing each other.

"What are you drinking? I'll join you. "

"That?" Mackenzie gestured with her glass half empty, "That's nothing. I was waiting for you."

"Ah Ok!" He frowned, seemingly embarrassed by the delay. "I think I'll get a peach pie. The pie here is great you need to try." He pointed to the menu.

"Ohh, that sounds delicious."

For some time the two had a good talk, talked about silly things like movies, TV shows or a new singer they both found casually while listening to the radio. It would be surprising how their likes are similar if they didn’t know each other. They even remembered an old joke that only they understand, as they are the only color blinds, people, they have known all their lives. It's fun for both of them, mainly because they are easily confused as brothers. However, things changed a little when Paul finally asked for Cassie and Mackenzie remembers why she was there.

She explained everything that had happened to the doctor earlier, her heart pounding as she saw Paul's eyes fill with tears, and as much as she wanted to cry too, she once again kept herself holding her tears crying and giving her hand to whom she would very much like to call her brother.

"I don’t understand. Why she didn’t tell me anything," he said, wiping away the tears running down his face.

"It's something I'd like to know," Mackenzie answered in frustration. "You guys looked so perfect together, I thought you'd be the one who would finally make her say yes, but I guess I was wrong, and nothing else makes sense." Mackenzie taking a deep breath and looking at Paul confused. "There's so much I don’t know."

"Cassie isn’t so good at talking about feelings," he says, snorting.

"Sometimes I think there are two "Cassies". The one I know and the one you describe..." Mackenzie nodded. "They... They look so different ... Cassie has always been a mystery to me. Always restless and independent," he grunts. "She never let me be really close, I thought things would change when we got back together, but-"

"'When did you do what?" Mackenzie asks before he could finish.

"When we were back, after the first time we broke up," he replied confused.

"When did this happen?" She asked, changing her voice to a louder tone than she would have liked.

"After the Christmas that we spent together," Paul said the words slowly as if he wanted them to be perfectly understandable, and as calm as possible, as he watched Mackenzie bit a piece of the pie.

"What?" Mackenzie practically yells, spitting the pie out. Then she leaned over the table closer to him. "What?" She asks again in a low voice.

"You didn’t know?" He asked even more confused.

Mackenzie narrowing her eyes pressing against her lips. "I look like someone who knows something!" She practically grunted frustrated.

Paul blinked, a little numb, half-thoughtful. He seemed to hesitate to tell her what was happening, but after an immense internal battle, Mackenzie believed that the right side had won. Paul curved his torso on the table and opened his mouth.

"Before Valentine's Day she broke up with me," he said, examining Mackenzie's expression. "She told me she didn’t want to lie to me, and that she loved me a lot, but that she was in love with someone else."

Mackenzie reached for his hand, touching it to show support. "I'm sorry," she said breathlessly.

"I know." He smiled awkwardly. "I accepted. I knew she was weird, she avoided me, and also was spending some good with time with Spencer…"

"Yes! I saw how close they are, "she murmured feeling something off.

"I almost thought Cassie was talking about her, but Spencer was already dating this girl who drives her crazy. So, I dismissed the hypothesis."

"Wait!" Mackenzie said in a voice so low she could not even tell if she had heard herself. "Cassie and Spencer?" She whispered a pale knot in her throat.

Paul pulled away, releasing her hand and taking as much distance as he could put between them. He seemed trapped and unsure of what to say. Mackenzie realized that there was apparently too much she didn’t know.

"You don't know anything about what I'm talking, do you ?!" It sounded more like a conclusion than a question. Mackenzie just nodded, unable to find a voice to answer what was already clear. Paul looked at her with a mixture of pity and uncertainty. Once again, Mackenzie perceived the conflict within him.

"You... Can you tell me?" She asked practically choking with the words coming out of her mouth.

"Cassie dated Spencer before dating me. She's been with some women before, two I guess. However, with Spencer, she had a long-term relationship, even if it was not serious." He snorted at the memories. A small smile appeared and he continued. "When they were broke up, Spencer introduced us. She said she knew we would get along and everything was wonderful, but we were done." He changed his expression, the smile disappeared and the subject seemed to bother him. "We keep the friendship, and in a certain way it was better than our relationship... Until one day we met in a bar. She looked upset, she cried. The heart was broken. We drank a lot and..."

Paul's words disappeared as he spoke, and soon Mackenzie saw a mouth move with no sound. All sounds that seemed to surround her disappeared as well. The steps of the waitresses who served the other tables. The beating of the cutlery on the tables around them, and the other voices talking silly things leaving her perception slowly. On the other side of the place, the door was opening and closing, and the people that are coming in and out. Even the cars outside, with the noisy hooters. Everything was gone except for the sound of Mackenzie's heart, that was so restless it throbbing so hard that it seemed to want to tear from her chest out. Her mouth dry, until she heard Paul call her again.

"Are you alright? You look pale."

"Yes." It was the only word she could remember, how answering and even though, she was uncertain whether this was the correct answer. "Yes ... yes!" She stammered, and then returned her concern with a forced smile.

Mackenzie had to hear for almost half an hour a part of Cassie's life that did not exist for her. Wondering several times if she is still her best friend. Feeling angry every time she found herself frustrated by the discoveries she made in Paul's words. Until she realized there was something, she had not realized before. They are not the same as seven years ago. Moreover, the weight of time and experiences was living in Paul's words. However, the lack of such events still bothered her more than she would like.

"How did I lose all this?" She wondered struggling to keep control of her emotions.

"I thought you knew," Paul said uneasily. "You've always been so close and you're gay." He looked at her as if trying to read her thoughts. "I'm sorry Mackenzie."

"I'm fine..." she murmured, looking at the empty plate. "I just… I wish she'd told me all this."

"I honestly don’t know why she didn’t do it, but I think she must have a good reason." Mackenzie looked him up with a slight nod. "She was never ashamed of who she is..." he cleared his throat.  "Be Bi, you know... I say that's what made me fall in love with her."

Mackenzie paused for a moment before saying anything. She looked at Paul standing there in front of her. A familiar and dear image, and yet unrecognizable, as confused as she is.

"Do you love her?"

She asked as she watched him blink unscathed from any possible answer.

"Do you love her?"

Again no answer came.

"Paul, do you love Cassie?"

After a long silence, the answer came muffled. "I do not know..." he said with wide, watery eyes. “I want to make her happy...” he seemed unsure “I want to take care of our baby."

"But you do not know if you love her?" Mackenzie questioned him.

"I love her," he said after a brief moment. "I just don't know if she feels the same way about me."

"I'll talk to her." There was a pale smile on Mackenzie's lips.

"Are you sure about that?" Paul asked incredulously.

Mackenzie felt a tightness in her chest as she thought about what to answer. Something was stowed inside her, and a knot came to her throat.

"I..." She felt a stab in the chest. "I think you're the only person who can make her happy." She said with regret in her chest.

 

***

 

Upon returning home, Mackenzie came upon Cassie sitting on the couch. She was dressed as if she were going out for a party, but the bucket with cheese chips and the first episode of the fourth season of Orphan Black showed otherwise.  
"Where were you?" Cassie surprised her as she entered. For a moment, Mackenzie found herself in a stereotype of American films that showed hysterical wives waiting for their husbands, but differently, Cassie stared at her as if she were just worried. For a few seconds, she found herself wondering how gentle this serious concern was, but new discoveries were still spinning in her mind making her upset.

"I just wanted to walk," she said quietly and coldly, walking toward her room.

"Are you okay?" Cassie asked after blinking a few times, moving her head to follow her movements.  
   
"I've never been better," she said coldly again, passing Cassie without looking at her as she answered. For a moment, she wondered if she was acting the wrong way, but with all that was said, she found herself in the right to act that way, even knowing how difficult it is to come out from the closet to someone she loves. She went into her room and threw herself on the bed ready to absorb everything she'd heard, but Cassie suddenly opened the door.

"What's wrong with you?" Cassie asked as she lay down beside her. The short space between the two was beginning to hurt Mackenzie, so she pulled away a little more, causing Cassie to peer out her eyes at her.

"Mackenzie?" She grunted.

"What?" She replied irritably, almost screaming.

"Are you angry?" She tried to touch her, "Why?"

"It doesn't matter now!" Mackenzie said as she got up from the bed and headed toward the door, opening it. "I need to take a shower."

Cassie looked confused but ignored the message with a nervous smile. "Good. Because we have to go to Spencer's place soon. "

"What? For what?"

"Party!" Cassie murmured unhappily.

"I thought you'd rest," Mackenzie said, pointing to Cassie's belly.

"…and stay here with you like this?! I'd rather have some fun."

"I thought we had established that you would tr-"

 "What?" Cassie cut her words furiously.

"Have the baby!" Mackenzie shouted blind by her anger.

"What if nothing I do is enough, Mackenzie?" Cassie sniffed, "When I woke up all I thought was the possibility of being a mother, but as time passed I found myself trapped in a little hope." Cassie said almost crying. Her eyes full of tears, making it impossible for Mackenzie to keep the anger that she felt, or not to run to hold her tight. "I don’t want a hope, Mackenzie," Cassie said as Mackenzie wrapped her in her arms. "I wanna be sure that this baby will be mine, and that I can love it without fear."

"Cassie, I feel so angry right now," Mackenzie confessed, fighting the tears in her eyes.

"Why?" Cassie pressed her hard against her.

"I don't know ..." She lied. After all, what's the point of yelling and fighting about something that should have been said a long time ago? What would be the reason for so much anger? Cassie had her reasons to hide something so important. Maybe the distance between them was the biggest reason for that. This was just another way for her to be punished for her mistakes.

"I'm sorry." Mackenzie heard Cassie whisper in her ears, feeling the warmth of them running down her friend's face and now over her shoulders. "I shouldn't have asked you to come, I'm sorry for making you make so many promises," she continued.

Mackenzie held Cassie's face in both hands, holding it steady so she could look into her eyes. "Look at me..." She said, "You didn't force me into anything, Cassie. There's only one reason I'm here..." She hesitated a little, waiting for Cassie's eyes to meet hers. "…and nothing could change that, because that's what I feel and that's enough for me. Cassie, I..." She took a deep breath trying to find the right words, but the only thing that came in her mind was _"I love you,"_ and at the same time all the frustration of the words that weren’t said. "Cassie, you're my best friend," she said as she felt her heart tighter. "I'm your best friend and that gives me the reason to be by your side.”

"Bu-"

"No!" She interrupted. "Do you want to go to Spencer?! Okay, we're going. I just don’t want to fight with you, and besides that, we promise her, then..."

"Thank you!" Cassie said with a small smile on her lips.

"I just want to take a shower, then I'm ready and we can go."

 

***

 

The party was fun, apparently, all Cassie and Spencer's friends were there, and somehow Mackenzie seemed to fit into that world in a way she never thought would fit. Cassie's Friends were hers now; she was caught by her own will among smiles, crazy stories and giggling. The only thing that bothered her was watching the way Spencer touched Cassie, always with her hand sliding over her shoulders. Always around the waist. Always smiled. Always flirting.

She couldn’t forget what Paul told her, and this moment made his words echo in her head. Lazing like someone knocking violently against a door again and again. She was jealous. Something new. Mackenzie never had experience with jealousy; she never understood the meaning of this word, until now. All she wanted was for Spencer's hands disappear, and with each touch of them on Cassie's body, she was living a nightmare. Every new flirt and every new look between them, she drank. Mackenzie drank until she could forget the jealousy she felt.

Spencer seems like the kind of person who knew the effect it causes on people, she not only knows, but she plays with every reaction she causes. Mackenzie kept looking at her and she seemed to like it. She had finally found someone to watch her show, and this was her charm. Mackenzie realized that while she was playing with Cassie, she was also looking at her and over time and with the drink, she decided not to be another piece of a person's game.

"Hey!" She said when Cassie was distracted by another friend.

"Hi to you!" Spencer returned with a huge smile on her lips and meanwhile, Mackenzie felt the tips of her fingers rub against her arm in soft circles. "Are you enjoying the party?" She bit her tongue, not to say that the last thirty minutes were a martyrdom. She knew that her presence was one of the reasons for this party to exist and that despite the jealousy she was having fun, that is, between pros and cons there was only one against, so Mackenzie chose to omit it. "I'm having a good time!" She said.

"And what are the bad ones?" Spencer asked biting her lips and touching her once more, this time on the forearm and sliding her hand down to her shoulders.

"Ah-" For a moment Mackenzie saw herself speechless, Spencer really knew how to embarrass someone, especially with the look that seemed to undress her. Her constant touch did not mean much when she'd bought the look that devoured her. Except for the times that she'd sidestepped her and smirked.

"Alright!" She said in a voice so soft that Mackenzie began to doubt her intentions. "I'm going to pretend I didn’t see you biting yourself in jealousy a few minutes ago."

Mackenzie searched for her own voice, but she seemed to have lost it. Instead, all she could do was blink, dazed, as she watched Spencer approaching of her, and feeling her hand in her hair behind her ear and caress the skin of her neck in a swift motion as she averted her gaze to another direction.

"I believe sometimes jealousy is a great friend," Spencer said softly to him, almost sounding like a melodic song, owning a wicked smile on her lips.

"Do not play with her feelings!" Mackenzie said every word to Spencer, her body coming to life in a way never seen, a strong sense of defense in her heart as she watched Spencer walk away confused, taking her hands off her body.

"What?" Spencer asked, paralyzed.

"Cassie!" She growled. "Do not make her suffer," she begged this time, seeing Spencer clearly confused.

"I-"Before Spencer could say anything, Mackenzie pulled her hand to guide her out, to some place where they could speak more honestly. It didn’t take long before Mackenzie found herself outside the apartment, still holding tight to Spencer's hand. "I know she loves you!" Mackenzie spoke without thinking. "I accept that,” she clarified “…but I swear by Levi's style if you make her cry…” She could feel the anger in her blood, “I'll kill you." She growled.

"Wow!" Spencer rather laughed arching her eyebrows and both her hands in a defensive position between the two. "I didn't know you were so aggressive".

"I don’t-"

"Look..." she interrupted. "I don’t mean to hurt anyone..." She pressed her lips together. "…Cassie and I..." she sighed deeply, "We’re just friends. We used to have fun together, but that belongs to the past."

"What does that mean?" Mackenzie asked.

"All this..." she gestured with her hands, "This is only for teasing. I like to see Cassie embarrassed, but that's all. There's nothing between us. "

Mackenzie cleared her throat, feeling her cheeks growing pink. "I thought you were the person she's in love with." She mutter.

"Me!" Spencer looked surprised. "It's not me." She smiled again, not hiding the pleasure she felt in this situation. She looked away and remained silent until Mackenzie could hear a voice behind her.

"What are you doing here?" Mackenzie heard and felt shivers as he heard Cassie's voice next to her.

"We're just talking," Spencer replied with a glint in her eyes. "The kind of talk you'd love." Mackenzie could hear the gears in Spencer's brain working. Would this be another teaser game? She wondered. Certain of the answer, as she watched Cassie's face shift to an angry expression, with flames in her eyes.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Cassie said looking at Mackenzie.

"What I-?" I said confused.

"You. Here." She frowned. "Making out with Spencer!" She said, frustrated with a louder voice than before.

"We were not making out!" Mackenzie said defensively with a pale smile.

"Ah! I'm sorry... "Cassie stammered, "Is there a new name for it now?"

"Cassie we were not..." Spencer tried to say.

"I'm sorry, but I don’t believe in you." Cassie almost said breathless, her eyes wide, her face red and sweating. "... And seeing you like that makes me sick." She said turning to the door and entering, leaving the door open so they could come in behind her.

Mackenzie followed Cassie to the bathroom; behind she felt Spencer's footsteps fast and strong. "Cassie ..." She called out fighting with the loud noise of the song playing around. "Cassie!" She screamed louder and louder, sure this time could be heard, but instead of stopping, Cassie just chose to ignore her. Understand why she was so angry was her greatest desire. What if she decided to have fun with Spencer, Cassie and Samantha were never friends? So what?

"Do you want to vomit?" Mackenzie asked as she broke into the bathroom before Cassie could lock the door, locking them in and leaving Spencer outside.

"It's none of your business," Cassie replied coldly, her breath heavy, her face paler and sweaty.

"I think it is. This baby is mine as well, remember?" She said, and before she finished, she could feel the weight of her words, avoiding looking at Cassie the moment she fell silent.

"I'm not so sure about that," Cassie said as she walked away from Mackenzie, who was looking at her confused. "You think it's easy for me? See you with Spencer?"

"See me with Spencer?" She shook her head, "Cassie, nothing happened. We were just talking."

"That didn't sound like a conversation," Cassie said coldly.

"But that's all that happened, Cassie." She took a deep breath. "We were talking."

Cassie narrowed her suspicious eyes. "About?"

"Doesn't matter."

"I'm sure it does," she said harshly. "If it didn’t matter, you were not hiding and whispering." She pressed her lips together. "It's just that I never thought you were the kind of person to cheat." She looked away reproachfully. "Samantha is almost your wife."

"No, she is not!" Mackenzie responded faster than she could process what she had said.

"What?!" Cassie hissed, incredulously "What do you mean by that?"

"We broke up..." Mackenzie stammered.

"What?" Cassie gasped. "Since when?"

"Does it matter?"

"Damn!" Cassie shouted, "I'm fucking sick of this 'no matter'. That's all you can talk about?", she said in frustration. "Since when did I stop caring about you?"

"What?" Mackenzie didn’t understand.

"All you've been doing is keeping quiet…” Cassie said, “You never tell me when something happens to you.” She censored, “I'm always the last to know!"

"Really Cassie?" Mackenzie said, her voice louder than she would like, but by a thousandth, she wondered if this discussion was necessary, and concluded that it was. She is not the only one to hide things. However, what she has done is avoid a confrontation like this. "Are you always the last to know things?"

"Yes!" Cassie said louder.

"And about the fact that you're 'Bi'?" Mackenzie said loudly, roughly and sounding like debauchery.

"What?"

"Did you think I wouldn’t find out?"

"Who told you that?"

"It does not matter!" Mackenzie screamed, causing Cassie to shut up, wide-eyed and swallowing what she was about to say. "The important thing is that I know." She tried to ease down her voice but failed. "You left the closet years ago, Cassie... And I bet Levi already knows that, but I've been kept in the dark all along."

"Now you know what I felt years ago..." Cassie murmured, avoiding looking into Mackenzie's eyes.

"So that was about it?" Mackenzie was more furious than before. She had never felt such rage in her life. "This whole secret was just a stupid revenge?" The words said slowly sounded more like a self-question than something said to Cassie. Mackenzie felt truly wound

"What?" Cassie looked hurt from that. For a moment, Mackenzie was distant. There was no such thing as a bathroom, just an immense anger that ran through her body. "No. This was never a revenge", Cassie said. "I never thought about that..." she tried to reach Mackenzie, but Mackenzie pulled away. "I tried to talk to you. I even went to Toronto once, but your girlfriend-"

"My ex-girlfriend..." Mackenzie corrected less belligerent.

"Your ex... She told me that you were out of town and didn't know when you would return. I even tried to tell you by phone but..."

"But I didn’t answer your calls, and I didn’t talk to you much..." Mackenzie felt ashamed. She realizing that she had excluded Cassie from her life, that all the distance that now existed between them, existed because of her.

"Then why didn’t you tell me you broke up with Samantha?"

"Because I didn’t think it mattered."

"Why?" Cassie looked wound.

"Because you weren’t part of my life anymore."

"So it's like that?" Cassie was hurt, but she was also angry. "Should I know that I only exist for you when you're alone?" she said, as her words were a knife, ready to cut Mackenzie's heart. "Is that right?" She snorted. "What's the truth, Mackenzie? Can you tell me? Can you be honest with me at least once?"

"I didn't tell you because I didn't wanna to this happen." The words wandered around Mackenzie's mouth.

"If you had told me that, this wouldn't have happened, but it's good that it's happening now." Cassie's eyes were wild, aggressive, and full of judgment.

"I just didn't want to have this conversation," Mackenzie said, putting both hands to his head.

"Why Mackenzie?" Cassie sighed. "Can you tell me why only once? Why Mackenzie?" Cassie then screamed.

There were so many "Whys" that Mackenzie no longer knew what to answer. That was the most honest talk they had since they changed their dolls into the old room of an apartment in which they lived during college. However, it is difficult to answer the reason of so many questions and the answer was guiding her where she doesn’t want to go, but it seems so simple to say. Especially because the words seem to want to jump out of her mouth.

"Why Mackenzie?" Cassie approaches as Mackenzie tries to take control of her words. Fighting against herself. "Why didn’t you want me to know?"

She knew she would regret it later, but there was nothing more to be said, and Mackenzie replied fearfully. "Because I... because I wouldn’t know what to say if you asked why we broke up." she replied timidly.

"Why?" Cassie's voice was soft. It almost hypnotized her. Suddenly Mackenzie saw Cassie's presence take control of her thoughts. "Why cannot I know the reason?" Again, so soft.

Mackenzie found herself without action. Her hands trembled and her mouth was dry. In her mind only thought. One thing and everything seemed to revolve around it.

"Becau-" and she bit her lip looking down, but then Cassie's presence dominated her again.

"Because I love you..." she whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow... finally the truth comes out, huh?  
> So Yeah, seems like Mackenzie found the right way to her heart, let's hope that now that the lovebirds can make their way to happiness.  
> What do you think that is about to come? I'll give a small tip, kisses are at the top of the list to next chapter.  
> I hope you liked this one, and thank you for coming back. 
> 
> \- Have you watched my vids? If you don't:  
> https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCPUZz8Yf2MR177k0Vs_Q2lg/videos?view_as=subscriber
> 
> \- I'm also on Tumblr, well not much to show but... @nothorns-nopetals.


	7. - a brief announcement -

Hello. At first, I know that I'm behind my posts. For that, I really want to apologize. I had planned have this little work already done but I had other things to focus on. I wish I finished and already be working on my Hollstein stories, which I want to bring but only if they are welcome. At second place, I wanna say that I'm working on the next two chapters, so it won't too long for them be released. pls keep your faith, kisses are about to come. :)


End file.
